Roommate Rants Vol. 1

Long time no blog, so here we go!

Previously I had talked about how borderline retarded my landlord is, but in the past few weeks she's actually dialed down the stupidity quite a bit. One of my roommates, has since dialed up her retardedness to epic levels. It's an all out blitzkrieg of idiocy. Sit back, strap in, and get ready for this shit...

Nearly everyday, EVERYDAY this freak yells/complains/bitches about something. We got into a spat a few months ago because I would open the windows at night during the summer because it was hot as balls. Keep in mind, we live in an extremely safe neighborhood AND said window is on the second floor. I'm pretty sure she got pist because I stood up to her and didn't take her shit. Fast forward to the present. It's getting to be the cold/rainy season and this freak loves to leave the windows open at night and during the day she leaves the door wide open. What the freak?

She is supposedly a culinary student. In the time that she has lived here; she has broken a microwave by putting metal in it, had our toaster oven confiscated because she left it on the highest setting unattended for about an hour, and lastly she put PLASTIC in the oven and was surprised when it melted!!!!! And she made the most piss poor attempt to clean up said mess; in the end my landlord and I had to do it. To which she never thanked us. In addition to that she has to be the worst person in her program, because she leaves food out, unattended, and uncovered for days. She also has zero concept of how to clean up or have a tidy kitchen. Currently she spilt enough flour on the floor to make it look like Tony Montana is gonna show up and snort it.

My favorite is just how god damn disgusting she is. She farts and I can hear it through my wall. How gross is that? Through a wall. Again A WALL!!!!! I kid you not, I'm the only one who cleans up around this joint; so one day I cleaned the bathroom since it was super gross, what did she do? She pissed on the toilet seat? A) who does that? B) how does a girl do that? In addition to that she burps like a man.

I'm pretty sure that she only showers one or two times a week, but to make up for it she takes 2 hour long showers. Sadly I know that she's not just showering in there. How is that you ask? Well, one night I went for a run, came back to take a shower and found the shower on the most intense pulse setting....yeah gross. Oh and to add to that I've heard her watching porn a few times.

And to wrap this little rant up, let me say this. She has no job and was kicked out/had to/ forced to leave her culinary program, so she currently has no job and almost never leaves the house. Which sucks because she feels threatened whenever anyone else tries to use the kitchen. My favorite weird thing though is how much she talks to her cats. Now everyone talks to their pets in some context but this lunatic takes it to new levels of craziness. Today I heard her ask one of her cats what day it was and she proceeded to get pissy when the cat didn't answer her question.

Before I leave and recede into the vastness of the internet here is an actual dialog I heard from her when she didn't think anyone was home. Here's the cast of characters in this little play: Simone (batshit crazy roommate), Anubis (her cat and the sane one in this little skit)

Simone: ...are you gonna come in?
Anubis:......
Simone: Are you gonna come? I'm going to the bathroom. Anubis are you coming in?
Anubis:......
Simone: Well make up your mind, I'm going to the bathroom. Okay you stay here.
Anubis:......

3 minutes later she emerges from the bathroom and loudly proclaims the following...

(bathroom door opens)
Simone: WWWHHHEEEWWW!!!! Stinky turds.