5 Short Tales Of Heroism...Kinda

To change it up and be silly, cause everyone knows that I'm Mr. Serious, here is a short collection of random stories that involve yours truly...

1. When I was in high school I took a independent study class where I went to a graphic design company and did whatever it was they wanted me to do, you know the bitch work. So anyways one day I get there and the owner who I'll refer to as....Turd Ferguson, says to me that there will be a blind kid from some other school coming in in the next few days to try his hand at this, so I said "Sounds good." I didn't actually say that, but anyways. So a few days go by and nothing, then one wintery day I show up and say in a loud voice "HEY, WHEN'S THAT BLIND KID GONNA SHOW UP?" Both Turd and his asshole associate stare at me, then come over and say in a sheepish voice "He's right over there." I look over and see him, then they stare at me and an awkward afternoon ensued.

2. Recently, like September 20 2010, recently, I came home from a workshop. My fiance's sister Megan aka El Diablo (jk) and her friend whose name is escaping me were there eating dinner. I pull out my ear buds since Pantera was drowning them out. Then Megan introduces us to each other, and I instantly say; "Hey your the one...with the forest right?" She's puzzled. "Yeah...you know in the woods." Same reaction. " Your the one who pooped in the woods right?" Megan laughs and her friend is embarrassed. Good times.

3. In 2004 some of my friends and I went to Minneapolis to see Slayer again. Some of my other friends were already there at the venue. We pull up to the venue and we see them standing in a sea of soon to be super sweaty nasty looking guys. We wave to them like the idiots that we were (we still are) and keep driving down the street to find a parking spot. No such luck so I turn down a street that later turned out to be a one way street and by later I mean about 10 seconds after I turned on to it. No sooner had that happened than I saw about 4 of the biggest city buses barreling down on us, because I kinda sorta turned on to a one way going...the wrong way. Oh yeah and everyone going to the concert saw this, so we lived (somehow) and made our way to the venue with about 900 people staring at us and making fun of us for being tards.

4. When I was in high school I worked at the old BK Lounge. Wasn't great but wasn't awful either. One day I'm standing there and see this guy with a Strawberry milk shake go into the bathroom. Also this older lady who worked there went into the womens bathroom. A few minutes later she comes out and then a few more minutes later the guy comes out. Instantly the whole place smells like shit, like some lit a shit flavored candle and then farted on top of it. So I go up to a group of my fellow workers and go "Hey you see that guy over there?" They said yes. "He went into the bathroom and took a nasty shit, that's what that smell is." I then get told no its not by that older lady I worked with. I debated that it was and there was no possible alternative. She left then about 30 seconds later one of the managers came over and said "You know it wasn't that guy right?" "It had to be there's no othe..." "Mary", the older lady's name, "has a Colostomy Bag. She just emptied it." Insert foot into mouth.

5. In college I worked at a sweet music store, which I've already covered in previous blog things. Anyways every summer we had this big reading clinic where the biggest sheet music companies would send all of their crap over to us and we would let teachers try it out and then they'd buy it and a bunch of instruments. Well one day this guy Jason and I had to return some stuff to UND where we had borrowed it. So I'm driving the van and it has a trailer on it. I don't know if you've ever tried to back that shit up before, but it's hard! So I pull around and we get the instruments unloaded and its time to leave. Well there's this house next to the art/music building that just so happens to belong to the president of the school. I see his wife leaving and after waiting a few minutes, we cut across the lawn; big ass van and trailer in tow. Well, she was at the stop sign still and we passed her and her facial expression (good times). Anyways we get back to the store and mum is the word. About 4 hours later I get called back to my boss's office and he says that the police had called about someone driving on the presidents lawn. I told him what happened and he thought it was funny. I said that there was no damage to the grass, and it was all good. Mostly because it made everyone laugh and because the police thought that the van and trailer belonged to our crosstown rivals.

And So It Begins (Again)

So it's that time of the year. A new semester loaded with new challenges, more stress, and more debt (bangin). Also coming back are the jackasses who call themselves artists but in reality just look like jackasses. There are really only two things/types of people who make me ashamed of what I do, sometimes they are the same person. One is the super over intellectual/conceptual artist and the other is the person who thinks that because we go to an art school in a fairly progressive state, that they need to dress like the biggest douche bags in the history of douche bags. As I said sometimes these two people are really just one sad annoying person.
Everyday, everyday that I go to class (which this semester is Monday,Wednesday, Friday) these people are all over New Montgomery Street; they have on super skinny pants, messed up haircuts, crazy tight v-neck shirts on, ridiculous bags, and stupid shoes on. It makes me cringe to see these people look like this, but every time I do a few thoughts go through my head: 1) Why? 2) That must take so much work 3) What is the point? 4) You know I can see you right? 5) You look retarded 6)Why? 7) Who are you trying to impress here? 8) Why?  I also try to imagine them getting all ready, putting their guy liner on, getting the right look (you know the one that took about 3 hours but they want to make it look like it took only 10 minutes), plus what do their parents think? I mean people of my generation have parents who grew up between 1960-1969 (for the most part) which means that their parents grew up about 30 years earlier AND those people definitely wouldn't allow this. So I just try to imagine D-Bag artist guy coming home on winter break to like Idaho and everyone looking at him like the weirdo he is. This is a fun game to play when you are people watching. Oh and the guys and girls are on equal ground here; plus you throw in the international students who don't know any better and insanity ensues!
Now granted that AAU has both undergrad and graduate studies so is probably about 50-50 on which one looks stupider, BUT they should ask themselves a question: If I am a teacher listening to a half baked attempt at trying to explain your reasoning behind why you did something, how am I supposed to get past the fact that you have huge spacers in your ears, skinny jeans on, some fucked up hybrid faux hawk/mullet thing dyed orange, some stupid thrift store jacket shirt combo, and a preposterous beard AND take your argument seriously? Now I know that personally I don't dress to the 9's but I wear at least presentable clothes and take a shower.
It's sad to me that these people are more about the image of being an artist than actually just letting their work speak for them. They feel the need to look the part, because I guess it helps to validate them as the burgeoning artists that they hope to become. It bothers me because not only are my eyes being violated by them, but then I have to sit here and listen to the crock of shit that comes out of there mouths so that they feel intellectual enough about things also. One might go so far as to call these people hipsters, and you wouldn't be far off. So this me amigos, is why I despise these people and it makes me ashamed to call myself an artist/designer/cool guy/super hero.

Welcome Back!

Dare I say that 1991's Decade of Aggression by Slayer is THE GREATEST live album ever? Yes. Yes I will. If you disagree, tough titties. It perfectly captures everything about seeing Slayer live. The chaos, the danger, the pain, the shear volume, the intensity. It's all there. It feels like a god damn freight train running you over, backing up and doing it all over again. Unlike most live albums that I have heard (and it's quite a few) this one does capture a concert in audio form. I've owned this album since 2001 and have probably listened both discs easily 100 times each. There is just so much shear power on them it's the next best thing to being there.

While it is dated only in the sense that the first Gulf War is mentioned and because all of the material is pulled from Show No Mercy through Seasons In The Abyss, only because well none of their other albums had come out yet. It's a little heavy on the Seasons material only because they were promoting it at the time, but still, it's a banging album. The track selection is also quite excellent, in that every album is represented, not equally but certain tracks are positioned strategically to give more power (the intro to Hell Awaits still gives me shivers!).
Also what sets this album apart is the fact that well, it's live. Hmm, a live album that's not live you say? Those exist? Yes, by the truck full it's more common than one would imagine. Frampton Comes Alive, Rising In The East, Alive, various Rolling Stones albums, the list goes on and on. But it is very apparent this album is the real deal for two reasons: a) it says so in the liner notes b) you can hear obvious guitar and drum slip ups. That kind of stuff happens during concerts and they were honest enough to acknowledge it.
Now for the songs. Holy shit balls, are they awesome/intense/bad ass/extremely evil! To quote Scott Ian "If you go to hell, that's what they would be playing down there." The lightning fast transitions between South of Heaven, Raining Blood, Altar of Sacrifice, and Jesus Saves are so damn fast that there is literally no time to catch your breath just like at one of their shows. By the time that the album finally closes with Chemical Warfare, your ears are totally shot, again just like at one of their concerts (by the by; Slayer was and still is the LOUDEST concert I've ever seen.)
The star of this album though is one Mr. Dave Lombardo. The guy totally goes nuts here. He walks the fine line of chaos and control, just as everyone has said for years. Of course the other guys are no slouches either, but Lombardo is simply put, one of the main reasons to listen to this album.
So in summary if your really a fan of music by/download/burn/steal this album. Get a hold of it somehow. I know that Slayer is not everyone's cup of tea, but this album totally captures a concert experience the way it should be.