To change it up and be silly, cause everyone knows that I'm Mr. Serious, here is a short collection of random stories that involve yours truly...
1. When I was in high school I took a independent study class where I went to a graphic design company and did whatever it was they wanted me to do, you know the bitch work. So anyways one day I get there and the owner who I'll refer to as....Turd Ferguson, says to me that there will be a blind kid from some other school coming in in the next few days to try his hand at this, so I said "Sounds good." I didn't actually say that, but anyways. So a few days go by and nothing, then one wintery day I show up and say in a loud voice "HEY, WHEN'S THAT BLIND KID GONNA SHOW UP?" Both Turd and his asshole associate stare at me, then come over and say in a sheepish voice "He's right over there." I look over and see him, then they stare at me and an awkward afternoon ensued.
2. Recently, like September 20 2010, recently, I came home from a workshop. My fiance's sister Megan aka El Diablo (jk) and her friend whose name is escaping me were there eating dinner. I pull out my ear buds since Pantera was drowning them out. Then Megan introduces us to each other, and I instantly say; "Hey your the one...with the forest right?" She's puzzled. "Yeah...you know in the woods." Same reaction. " Your the one who pooped in the woods right?" Megan laughs and her friend is embarrassed. Good times.
3. In 2004 some of my friends and I went to Minneapolis to see Slayer again. Some of my other friends were already there at the venue. We pull up to the venue and we see them standing in a sea of soon to be super sweaty nasty looking guys. We wave to them like the idiots that we were (we still are) and keep driving down the street to find a parking spot. No such luck so I turn down a street that later turned out to be a one way street and by later I mean about 10 seconds after I turned on to it. No sooner had that happened than I saw about 4 of the biggest city buses barreling down on us, because I kinda sorta turned on to a one way going...the wrong way. Oh yeah and everyone going to the concert saw this, so we lived (somehow) and made our way to the venue with about 900 people staring at us and making fun of us for being tards.
4. When I was in high school I worked at the old BK Lounge. Wasn't great but wasn't awful either. One day I'm standing there and see this guy with a Strawberry milk shake go into the bathroom. Also this older lady who worked there went into the womens bathroom. A few minutes later she comes out and then a few more minutes later the guy comes out. Instantly the whole place smells like shit, like some lit a shit flavored candle and then farted on top of it. So I go up to a group of my fellow workers and go "Hey you see that guy over there?" They said yes. "He went into the bathroom and took a nasty shit, that's what that smell is." I then get told no its not by that older lady I worked with. I debated that it was and there was no possible alternative. She left then about 30 seconds later one of the managers came over and said "You know it wasn't that guy right?" "It had to be there's no othe..." "Mary", the older lady's name, "has a Colostomy Bag. She just emptied it." Insert foot into mouth.
5. In college I worked at a sweet music store, which I've already covered in previous blog things. Anyways every summer we had this big reading clinic where the biggest sheet music companies would send all of their crap over to us and we would let teachers try it out and then they'd buy it and a bunch of instruments. Well one day this guy Jason and I had to return some stuff to UND where we had borrowed it. So I'm driving the van and it has a trailer on it. I don't know if you've ever tried to back that shit up before, but it's hard! So I pull around and we get the instruments unloaded and its time to leave. Well there's this house next to the art/music building that just so happens to belong to the president of the school. I see his wife leaving and after waiting a few minutes, we cut across the lawn; big ass van and trailer in tow. Well, she was at the stop sign still and we passed her and her facial expression (good times). Anyways we get back to the store and mum is the word. About 4 hours later I get called back to my boss's office and he says that the police had called about someone driving on the presidents lawn. I told him what happened and he thought it was funny. I said that there was no damage to the grass, and it was all good. Mostly because it made everyone laugh and because the police thought that the van and trailer belonged to our crosstown rivals.
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