Roommate Rants Vol. 3

Recently something amazing happened: the freaky ass person who has been the subject of this and the previous two entries has moved out and is living....well I don't really give a shit where. As long as it's not here. Or anywhere near me. Ever. But as I anticipated she definitely went out with a bang. Here's a rundown of the highlights/lowlights from her final days/weeks....

* Her very absolute last day in the house she, a grown ass woman 30+ years old, took a shit on the toilet seat. Yep. A shit on the toilet seat.

* A few days before she left, I overheard her talking loudly to someone. It had the tone of reminiscing, laughter and things of that nature. Well, she was super god damn loud so I peaked my head out while she wasn't looking and guess what I saw. She was talking to NO ONE. She was walking all over the house putting these conversational breaks and laughter into her own crazy ramblings.

* She called her bank about overdraft fee's in the amount of $300.00. And when they wouldn't take them away, she said she would go to the bank. She promptly hung up and farted like 12 times and then took a nap.

* As mentioned earlier, she fancied herself a culinary wizard. Her shelves were filled with easily $500.00 worth of groceries from Trader Joe's that she just left. For no real reason.

* I confronted her about hogging the kitchen and how no one could use it, and how it was communal space, you know normal roommate/reasonable issues. She flipped out per usual, and I calmly told her, "You can't just bogart the kitchen whenever you want, as long as you want, as often as you want. There are others here who would like to use it." The very next day, she was making a lot of shit, making a mess, being loud with her blender. What does she say while doing this? She yells over the blender: "HEY JOSH!!!! I'M BOGARTING THE BLENDER!!!" I don't think she knows what that word means. And also it was her personal blender...so yeah.

* Lastly my personal favorite. I was hanging out with my girlfriend and then she went home for the night. An hour or so later, this freak comes out of her room and starts making shit at like 11:30 in the kitchen. Then the talking to herself starts. She walks past my room and says the following "Thanks for letting me know that you have a girlfriend......are you trying to fuck me? Cause I'm not interested" Keep in mind that none of that was solicited. At all.

Well, that's it for this chapter of weirdness. As a parting end of these particular entry, as a special treat here is a photo of her AND the cherry on this turd sunday: her room. Keep in mind that this is how her room looked all the time. Imagine the smells at your own risk...

Behold! The weirdo in question!!

The weirdo's natural habitat.

Roommate Rants Vol. 2

It's been awhile since I discussed anything on this contraption, but you know, life kind of got in the way. Well here's what I got today, enjoy.

My last entry was about my crazy roommate, and guess what? So is this one!!!!

It's been a few months and there has been a stockpile of crazy that has gathered up. Here's some of the gems that this lunatic has given me.

As I mentioned previously, she talks to her cats. And not like a normal person talks to their pets. Here are some of the weird things I've heard her say as of late...

Example 1: "What? What are you gonna do? I'm 230 pounds and you're 15 pounds!"

Example 2: "Get. Go one get.....You want one right between the eyes?!"

Example 3: "Oh so you don't like the new litter box I gave you? I can tell because you shit on my sheets. Thanks for that you asshole."

Amazing no? Just for those keeping score. She challenged a CAT to a fight. TWICE.

I mentioned previously at length how she fancy's herself a culinary wizard, when in reality she is barely qualified to operate a can opener. Over the holidays, I came home to find literally, boxes of brussel sprouts all over the house. On New Years eve my girlfriend and I had already planned to go out, but on the way home I saw this crazy person on the street and she stops me to say: "Hey...um you can't use the kitchen tonight (insert crazy smile). I'm cooking brussel sprouts. But I'll pay you to go out for dinner (which she of course never did)." That same night we came back to my place for awhile and saw the absolute disaster area that was the kitchen. Brussel sprouts EVERYWHERE. The sink, the counters, on top of the microwave, the stove, the floor...EVERYWHERE. Did I mention that she does this thing where she starts working on something, leaves food out and forgets about it for days on end. Completely uncovered. Anyways it took her days to clean up that mess. And when she did start doing something with it, it smelled like she was boiling garbage, farts, and shit all at once.

My favorite thing she does, is that she washes the counters with bleach. And I'm pretty confident it's undiluted bleach. Which might seriously explain why she's so fucked in the head. She's probably ingested gallons of bleach through all that nasty ass food she makes.

For the longest time I had always been telling my girlfriend about the messed up things this lunatic says, she always thought they were funny, but she never realized how truly crazy they were until she heard them first hand. Here are some of the gems that my girlfriend has heard.

Example 1: "Whew, who am I going to make out with tonight. Maybe Josh? No not Josh."

Example 2: "I think I should go knock on Joshua's door, see if he wants to have fun."

Example 3: "Oh man, I need a tampon. A super thick one, I'm having a heavy flow kind of day."

Example 4: "Oh jeez, my thighs are seriously chaffing from rubbing together."

G.R.O.S.S.

Well, adios. Until next time.

Roommate Rants Vol. 1

Long time no blog, so here we go!

Previously I had talked about how borderline retarded my landlord is, but in the past few weeks she's actually dialed down the stupidity quite a bit. One of my roommates, has since dialed up her retardedness to epic levels. It's an all out blitzkrieg of idiocy. Sit back, strap in, and get ready for this shit...

Nearly everyday, EVERYDAY this freak yells/complains/bitches about something. We got into a spat a few months ago because I would open the windows at night during the summer because it was hot as balls. Keep in mind, we live in an extremely safe neighborhood AND said window is on the second floor. I'm pretty sure she got pist because I stood up to her and didn't take her shit. Fast forward to the present. It's getting to be the cold/rainy season and this freak loves to leave the windows open at night and during the day she leaves the door wide open. What the freak?

She is supposedly a culinary student. In the time that she has lived here; she has broken a microwave by putting metal in it, had our toaster oven confiscated because she left it on the highest setting unattended for about an hour, and lastly she put PLASTIC in the oven and was surprised when it melted!!!!! And she made the most piss poor attempt to clean up said mess; in the end my landlord and I had to do it. To which she never thanked us. In addition to that she has to be the worst person in her program, because she leaves food out, unattended, and uncovered for days. She also has zero concept of how to clean up or have a tidy kitchen. Currently she spilt enough flour on the floor to make it look like Tony Montana is gonna show up and snort it.

My favorite is just how god damn disgusting she is. She farts and I can hear it through my wall. How gross is that? Through a wall. Again A WALL!!!!! I kid you not, I'm the only one who cleans up around this joint; so one day I cleaned the bathroom since it was super gross, what did she do? She pissed on the toilet seat? A) who does that? B) how does a girl do that? In addition to that she burps like a man.

I'm pretty sure that she only showers one or two times a week, but to make up for it she takes 2 hour long showers. Sadly I know that she's not just showering in there. How is that you ask? Well, one night I went for a run, came back to take a shower and found the shower on the most intense pulse setting....yeah gross. Oh and to add to that I've heard her watching porn a few times.

And to wrap this little rant up, let me say this. She has no job and was kicked out/had to/ forced to leave her culinary program, so she currently has no job and almost never leaves the house. Which sucks because she feels threatened whenever anyone else tries to use the kitchen. My favorite weird thing though is how much she talks to her cats. Now everyone talks to their pets in some context but this lunatic takes it to new levels of craziness. Today I heard her ask one of her cats what day it was and she proceeded to get pissy when the cat didn't answer her question.

Before I leave and recede into the vastness of the internet here is an actual dialog I heard from her when she didn't think anyone was home. Here's the cast of characters in this little play: Simone (batshit crazy roommate), Anubis (her cat and the sane one in this little skit)

Simone: ...are you gonna come in?
Anubis:......
Simone: Are you gonna come? I'm going to the bathroom. Anubis are you coming in?
Anubis:......
Simone: Well make up your mind, I'm going to the bathroom. Okay you stay here.
Anubis:......

3 minutes later she emerges from the bathroom and loudly proclaims the following...

(bathroom door opens)
Simone: WWWHHHEEEWWW!!!! Stinky turds.

Something to Ponder

I've been going through a phase where I'm currently listening to a lot of Slayer amongst other artists and genres, and it got me thinking about a few things; 1) I am super glad/lucky I got to see them with the original 4 guys twice inside of a year 2) Slayer should not play Dave Lombardo songs without Dave Lombardo, and they should not play Paul Bostaph songs without Paul Bostaph 3) towards the end of his run with Slayer Jeff Hanneman's leads were beyond not good.
Now I know that its a bummer about Jeff Hanneman, but if you listen to any of their live stuff from say...2005 until Hanneman had to bow out, his lead playing was atrocious. I know that he had arthritis and various aliments that he didn't want out in the open, I know that Slayer has an unorthodox lead style, I know that he played whatever he wanted to, BUT the leads were bad. I like noisy solos as much as the next guitar guy. The stuff you can do with a whammy bar and some delay/reverb is amazing, but he wasn't even trying. This none more apparent then when you listen to say "Seasons In the Abyss" from The Big 4 box set (which is an awesomely awesome thing BTW). Now it's not just his leads that sucked balls in that show; Kerry King is very meh as well. But the solo(s) in that song are so good. SOOOO GOOD. And during that one he just wanks chromatically all over the place. It sounds like a kid with epilepsy at Guitar Center playing. Yikes.
My next point. Yes it sucks that Lombardo is out, again. But at least Bostaph is back in. If you watch the YouTube videos of them both playing you can tell the differences between their styles obviously and how they don't really fit into the others songs well at all. Example: watch Lombardo play something like "Dittohead". Great song, but the drumming is super tight and technical. Dave Lombardo is not tight at all. He has that great groove that makes the songs he plays on come alive. Plus he loves to do improv (which he is super good at), which does not lend its self to Bostaph songs. Second example: watch Bostaph play "War Ensemble". He is way stiff. But that's his style. Technical and precise. That's not to say that he lacks groove or anything, but he can't hold a candle to Lombardo. The parts in that song are looser, even the fast parts, and they give that song life. But when a robot plays them not so much. So again my solution: don't have Dave Lombardo play Paul Bostaph songs, and don't have Paul Bostaph play Dave Lombardo songs.
And, I really don't know how I feel about Gary Holt moving forward with these guys. Maybe it's because it's too soon since Hanneman, but it feels weird. And what does it do to Exodus? We'll see I guess.

Dumpy Apartment and the Crazy Stories It Has Given Me: Part II

Wow. Just wow. Until I moved into this place, if you had tried to tell me that a person like my landlord existed, I probably would not have believed you. Here are some of the dumb things that I have, been told or witnessed personally her doing.

* She stole one of my roommates bottles of laundry soap.
* She goes through our trash. Yes.
* I have rabbits so she wants their poop for her "garden". So when I take out my trash, like a rodent she rips the bag open getting rabbit shit everywhere.
* We have come into the house serval times to find her rooting around for no reason.
* She leaves rotten stinky food outside. Like out in the front yard outside.
* I saw her trying to steal a desk that was outside someones home. Not on the curb, but right in front of their house.
* She has no concept of keeping things to herself; like she talks to all three of us, about each other. Trying to stir shit up.
* Also she tries to charge us arbitrary amounts of money for things. Unaware that we know this shit hole is rent controlled.
* My personal favorite; she asked to borrow money from me.


So yeah. Hard to believe someone like that really exists huh?

Hey Murray!!!!

I'm sure like most guys out there, you use some sort of product in your hair. I've tried my fair share of stuff, just to see what I like or works best. Along the way I've encountered some pretty sweet products, but I've also encountered one of the worst/shittiest hair products ever:

MURRAY'S POMADE
(dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn)

Here was my thought process upon trying some of Murray's Pomade. The previous product I had purchased was through Walgreens and it was fucking awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. So, I decided that I would go back and get some again. Guess what? They didn't have it. So I tried 3 other Walgreens with no luck. I then went to the one closest to my house and looked at their selection. Not much to choose from that didn't look super shitty. I then looked at the prices. Now this alone should have been a dead give away on the type of product I was about to purchase.

$1.99

Now the reasonable person in me thought: "Hey; its $1.99 and it has more in it than any other product. This is a deal!" Wrong.

The first time I used it, I knew I had made a costly $1.99 mistake. This shit is tacky (literally) as hell. After somehow getting it in my hair I washed my hands seriously, 10 times and they were still tacky. My hair looked like I had been in a wind tunnel. The next morning when I went to wash my hair, yikes. I washed it probably 2-3 times and I could still feel the grit in it.

So, after 2 days of using Murray's Pomade, I threw in the towel. Fuck this shit. It's terrible. Worst $1.99 I've spent in a long time.

Dumpy Apartment and the Crazy Stories It Has Given Me

Well, since the last time I have written anything; some big changes have happened. Some personal problems have come up and as a result, I ended up moving to a new place. AND boy, is this place weird...

Here are some strange things that I have noticed/learned about my new place; partly from me observing and also from talking to my two other roommates (who feel and the think the same things about this place).

First off, there are three of us who live in this place. We each know the landlady by three different names and reach her through three different numbers. This lady is also a hoarder. There is shit crammed into every possible nook and cranny of this dump. In addition to that, she has three vehicles that are also filled with shit.
The landlady has a problem with one of my roommates, because he questions the dumb bullshit that she does. As a result of this, the landlady badmouthed this guy to me and our other roommate before we each moved in. As a result, we figured out she is full of shit and we actually like each other. Also to go with that, she never calls him by his name and if one of us mentions his name, she stares off like she has no idea who we are talking about.
Did I mention that there is a lot of shit in this place? Well there is. To go along with all the shit in this place, there are a shit ton of rats in the attic. Like if you are in the kitchen and it's quiet, you can here them scurrying around, having sex, or doing whatever it is that rats do. Due to the gross nature of this place, we all keep all of our personal belongings in our rooms. Not because of each other, but because it's gross and she has taken some things from past occupants "by accident".
That also reminds me. We all have locks on our doors. Again not because of each other, but from her. When I was going to move in, she offered me a choice of two locks. Two SHITTY locks. One was a combination lock and the other was a key lock; with a key so small you lose it just by looking at it. I told her I was going to buy a Master Lock. You've heard of Master Lock before right? Well, she is the only person in the world who hasn't. I showed her my lock and she was mystified. Oh yeah, there was an old lock on the door that I needed to get off. She said "How are you going to get that off?". I said "Well, don't you have a bolt cutter?". She then shot me a look that said; why would you ask something so fucking stupid? Well when I moved in, I had to get that lock off so how did I do it? I ripped it off with my bare hands. I told her how I did that and she told me it took four guys to put that lock on the door. That's right, four guys.


I will be in this dumpy shit hole of a dump until the end of June and I am very, very positive that this place is a gold mine for this blog. So stay tuned!