Roommate Rants Vol. 3

Recently something amazing happened: the freaky ass person who has been the subject of this and the previous two entries has moved out and is living....well I don't really give a shit where. As long as it's not here. Or anywhere near me. Ever. But as I anticipated she definitely went out with a bang. Here's a rundown of the highlights/lowlights from her final days/weeks....

* Her very absolute last day in the house she, a grown ass woman 30+ years old, took a shit on the toilet seat. Yep. A shit on the toilet seat.

* A few days before she left, I overheard her talking loudly to someone. It had the tone of reminiscing, laughter and things of that nature. Well, she was super god damn loud so I peaked my head out while she wasn't looking and guess what I saw. She was talking to NO ONE. She was walking all over the house putting these conversational breaks and laughter into her own crazy ramblings.

* She called her bank about overdraft fee's in the amount of $300.00. And when they wouldn't take them away, she said she would go to the bank. She promptly hung up and farted like 12 times and then took a nap.

* As mentioned earlier, she fancied herself a culinary wizard. Her shelves were filled with easily $500.00 worth of groceries from Trader Joe's that she just left. For no real reason.

* I confronted her about hogging the kitchen and how no one could use it, and how it was communal space, you know normal roommate/reasonable issues. She flipped out per usual, and I calmly told her, "You can't just bogart the kitchen whenever you want, as long as you want, as often as you want. There are others here who would like to use it." The very next day, she was making a lot of shit, making a mess, being loud with her blender. What does she say while doing this? She yells over the blender: "HEY JOSH!!!! I'M BOGARTING THE BLENDER!!!" I don't think she knows what that word means. And also it was her personal blender...so yeah.

* Lastly my personal favorite. I was hanging out with my girlfriend and then she went home for the night. An hour or so later, this freak comes out of her room and starts making shit at like 11:30 in the kitchen. Then the talking to herself starts. She walks past my room and says the following "Thanks for letting me know that you have a girlfriend......are you trying to fuck me? Cause I'm not interested" Keep in mind that none of that was solicited. At all.

Well, that's it for this chapter of weirdness. As a parting end of these particular entry, as a special treat here is a photo of her AND the cherry on this turd sunday: her room. Keep in mind that this is how her room looked all the time. Imagine the smells at your own risk...

Behold! The weirdo in question!!

The weirdo's natural habitat.

Roommate Rants Vol. 2

It's been awhile since I discussed anything on this contraption, but you know, life kind of got in the way. Well here's what I got today, enjoy.

My last entry was about my crazy roommate, and guess what? So is this one!!!!

It's been a few months and there has been a stockpile of crazy that has gathered up. Here's some of the gems that this lunatic has given me.

As I mentioned previously, she talks to her cats. And not like a normal person talks to their pets. Here are some of the weird things I've heard her say as of late...

Example 1: "What? What are you gonna do? I'm 230 pounds and you're 15 pounds!"

Example 2: "Get. Go one get.....You want one right between the eyes?!"

Example 3: "Oh so you don't like the new litter box I gave you? I can tell because you shit on my sheets. Thanks for that you asshole."

Amazing no? Just for those keeping score. She challenged a CAT to a fight. TWICE.

I mentioned previously at length how she fancy's herself a culinary wizard, when in reality she is barely qualified to operate a can opener. Over the holidays, I came home to find literally, boxes of brussel sprouts all over the house. On New Years eve my girlfriend and I had already planned to go out, but on the way home I saw this crazy person on the street and she stops me to say: "Hey...um you can't use the kitchen tonight (insert crazy smile). I'm cooking brussel sprouts. But I'll pay you to go out for dinner (which she of course never did)." That same night we came back to my place for awhile and saw the absolute disaster area that was the kitchen. Brussel sprouts EVERYWHERE. The sink, the counters, on top of the microwave, the stove, the floor...EVERYWHERE. Did I mention that she does this thing where she starts working on something, leaves food out and forgets about it for days on end. Completely uncovered. Anyways it took her days to clean up that mess. And when she did start doing something with it, it smelled like she was boiling garbage, farts, and shit all at once.

My favorite thing she does, is that she washes the counters with bleach. And I'm pretty confident it's undiluted bleach. Which might seriously explain why she's so fucked in the head. She's probably ingested gallons of bleach through all that nasty ass food she makes.

For the longest time I had always been telling my girlfriend about the messed up things this lunatic says, she always thought they were funny, but she never realized how truly crazy they were until she heard them first hand. Here are some of the gems that my girlfriend has heard.

Example 1: "Whew, who am I going to make out with tonight. Maybe Josh? No not Josh."

Example 2: "I think I should go knock on Joshua's door, see if he wants to have fun."

Example 3: "Oh man, I need a tampon. A super thick one, I'm having a heavy flow kind of day."

Example 4: "Oh jeez, my thighs are seriously chaffing from rubbing together."

G.R.O.S.S.

Well, adios. Until next time.

Dumpy Apartment and the Crazy Stories It Has Given Me

Well, since the last time I have written anything; some big changes have happened. Some personal problems have come up and as a result, I ended up moving to a new place. AND boy, is this place weird...

Here are some strange things that I have noticed/learned about my new place; partly from me observing and also from talking to my two other roommates (who feel and the think the same things about this place).

First off, there are three of us who live in this place. We each know the landlady by three different names and reach her through three different numbers. This lady is also a hoarder. There is shit crammed into every possible nook and cranny of this dump. In addition to that, she has three vehicles that are also filled with shit.
The landlady has a problem with one of my roommates, because he questions the dumb bullshit that she does. As a result of this, the landlady badmouthed this guy to me and our other roommate before we each moved in. As a result, we figured out she is full of shit and we actually like each other. Also to go with that, she never calls him by his name and if one of us mentions his name, she stares off like she has no idea who we are talking about.
Did I mention that there is a lot of shit in this place? Well there is. To go along with all the shit in this place, there are a shit ton of rats in the attic. Like if you are in the kitchen and it's quiet, you can here them scurrying around, having sex, or doing whatever it is that rats do. Due to the gross nature of this place, we all keep all of our personal belongings in our rooms. Not because of each other, but because it's gross and she has taken some things from past occupants "by accident".
That also reminds me. We all have locks on our doors. Again not because of each other, but from her. When I was going to move in, she offered me a choice of two locks. Two SHITTY locks. One was a combination lock and the other was a key lock; with a key so small you lose it just by looking at it. I told her I was going to buy a Master Lock. You've heard of Master Lock before right? Well, she is the only person in the world who hasn't. I showed her my lock and she was mystified. Oh yeah, there was an old lock on the door that I needed to get off. She said "How are you going to get that off?". I said "Well, don't you have a bolt cutter?". She then shot me a look that said; why would you ask something so fucking stupid? Well when I moved in, I had to get that lock off so how did I do it? I ripped it off with my bare hands. I told her how I did that and she told me it took four guys to put that lock on the door. That's right, four guys.


I will be in this dumpy shit hole of a dump until the end of June and I am very, very positive that this place is a gold mine for this blog. So stay tuned!

A Different Kind of Circus

As it's January, and it's also that time of the year where musicians from all over the world get together in Los Angeles for the winter N.A.M.M. (National Association of Music Merchants) show; I figured that I would briefly run down the craziness that I was fortunate enough to experience in 2009 when I went. So this not really going to necessarily flow from thing to thing, it'll just be things I saw and experienced. Some will be short one liners, others a bit lengthier.

Without further a due, here we go!!!

*I went to this sweet ass Yamaha party and proceeded to get food poisoning from some bad queso while getting super drunk off of free beer. They next morning we were was supposed to attend an awards banquet for the company I worked for; it was an award for staying in business for 100 consecutive years. Needless to say, I didn't make it. And this was like the second day of the week and a half long trip.

*At the conference I was cut off by Dave Mustaine, twice. Literally. Like he walked right in front of me and I had to stop in my tracks or I would have run into him.

*From across the room, I saw Steve Vai marching across the hall. I say marching because that is one lanky bastard and he was leaving all of his assistants in the dust by about 20 steps.

*John Dolmayan, the drummer from System of a Down, was wondering around like a lost child.

*One day I was leaving and Tony Levin was walking in, looking like some sort of androgynous gunslinger. Parting the seas of people with his bass. And mustache.

*I went off exploring, which is super fun to do there, and saw Jordan Rudess from Dream Theater playing piano to exactly 3 people.

*While wondering around, I found the booth where Michael Anthony was signing at. I got his autograph by inadvertently cutting in front of about 200 people. Oops.

*Oh yeah, and I found a giant ass rave room. Fucking crazy.

*I found Mike Inez from Alice In Chains who was super cool and super drunk (it was like 11AM); talked to him and he signed some autographs for me. And managed to spell my name wrong, even though we were all wearing name tags.

*During one of the days, I found a booth/table where Alex Skolnick and Alexi Lahio were signing. Everyone seemed to be bypassing Skolnick to meet Lahio who was acting like a tool. I was way way more excited to meet Skolnick for the second time and during the whole conversation I had with him, Lahio looked borderline annoyed I wasn't excited to see him. Douche.

*There are like 3-4 levels at this convention. In the basement they have every shit knock off version of instruments that you could imagine by small companies from even smaller countries. It was on this floor that I saw Brooke White; who was on a season of American Idol. She looked so bummed that some sponsor stuck her in the basement.

*This was also the trip that launched the legendary What's That Smell? series I started to write.

*When I was in a meeting with some folks from Randall, I looked off to the side and saw Tommy Shaw from Styx. Styx hasn't been popular since 1983. Tommy Shaw hasn't been popular since 1991. Yet he had a fleet of people with him doing shit for him. And he is short.

*While I was there, I learned a few things. One is that when the famous/well known musicians are out and about, they like to just check shit out without being bugged. They do this by turning over their badges so you can't see their names. One guy I saw who did this was Cris Caffery, of TSO and Savatage fame. He could tell I knew who he was yet shot me a look with his eyes that said "Hey, don't fucking talk to me." And then he walked away.

Well, there you have it. Some weird/crazy/interesting shit that happened during my time there. As anyone who has been there can tell you, that is just the tip of the iceberg. There are lots of famous, big name musicians who are there, tons of half naked models, weirdos dressed up, and tons of musicians who were popular for like 3 months in the late 80s' and early 90s'. In short, it's a good god damn time. Tons of shows and some booths (Alfred) give away free beer. Party on Wayne.