Roommate Rants Vol. 3

Recently something amazing happened: the freaky ass person who has been the subject of this and the previous two entries has moved out and is living....well I don't really give a shit where. As long as it's not here. Or anywhere near me. Ever. But as I anticipated she definitely went out with a bang. Here's a rundown of the highlights/lowlights from her final days/weeks....

* Her very absolute last day in the house she, a grown ass woman 30+ years old, took a shit on the toilet seat. Yep. A shit on the toilet seat.

* A few days before she left, I overheard her talking loudly to someone. It had the tone of reminiscing, laughter and things of that nature. Well, she was super god damn loud so I peaked my head out while she wasn't looking and guess what I saw. She was talking to NO ONE. She was walking all over the house putting these conversational breaks and laughter into her own crazy ramblings.

* She called her bank about overdraft fee's in the amount of $300.00. And when they wouldn't take them away, she said she would go to the bank. She promptly hung up and farted like 12 times and then took a nap.

* As mentioned earlier, she fancied herself a culinary wizard. Her shelves were filled with easily $500.00 worth of groceries from Trader Joe's that she just left. For no real reason.

* I confronted her about hogging the kitchen and how no one could use it, and how it was communal space, you know normal roommate/reasonable issues. She flipped out per usual, and I calmly told her, "You can't just bogart the kitchen whenever you want, as long as you want, as often as you want. There are others here who would like to use it." The very next day, she was making a lot of shit, making a mess, being loud with her blender. What does she say while doing this? She yells over the blender: "HEY JOSH!!!! I'M BOGARTING THE BLENDER!!!" I don't think she knows what that word means. And also it was her personal blender...so yeah.

* Lastly my personal favorite. I was hanging out with my girlfriend and then she went home for the night. An hour or so later, this freak comes out of her room and starts making shit at like 11:30 in the kitchen. Then the talking to herself starts. She walks past my room and says the following "Thanks for letting me know that you have a girlfriend......are you trying to fuck me? Cause I'm not interested" Keep in mind that none of that was solicited. At all.

Well, that's it for this chapter of weirdness. As a parting end of these particular entry, as a special treat here is a photo of her AND the cherry on this turd sunday: her room. Keep in mind that this is how her room looked all the time. Imagine the smells at your own risk...

Behold! The weirdo in question!!

The weirdo's natural habitat.

Roommate Rants Vol. 2

It's been awhile since I discussed anything on this contraption, but you know, life kind of got in the way. Well here's what I got today, enjoy.

My last entry was about my crazy roommate, and guess what? So is this one!!!!

It's been a few months and there has been a stockpile of crazy that has gathered up. Here's some of the gems that this lunatic has given me.

As I mentioned previously, she talks to her cats. And not like a normal person talks to their pets. Here are some of the weird things I've heard her say as of late...

Example 1: "What? What are you gonna do? I'm 230 pounds and you're 15 pounds!"

Example 2: "Get. Go one get.....You want one right between the eyes?!"

Example 3: "Oh so you don't like the new litter box I gave you? I can tell because you shit on my sheets. Thanks for that you asshole."

Amazing no? Just for those keeping score. She challenged a CAT to a fight. TWICE.

I mentioned previously at length how she fancy's herself a culinary wizard, when in reality she is barely qualified to operate a can opener. Over the holidays, I came home to find literally, boxes of brussel sprouts all over the house. On New Years eve my girlfriend and I had already planned to go out, but on the way home I saw this crazy person on the street and she stops me to say: "Hey...um you can't use the kitchen tonight (insert crazy smile). I'm cooking brussel sprouts. But I'll pay you to go out for dinner (which she of course never did)." That same night we came back to my place for awhile and saw the absolute disaster area that was the kitchen. Brussel sprouts EVERYWHERE. The sink, the counters, on top of the microwave, the stove, the floor...EVERYWHERE. Did I mention that she does this thing where she starts working on something, leaves food out and forgets about it for days on end. Completely uncovered. Anyways it took her days to clean up that mess. And when she did start doing something with it, it smelled like she was boiling garbage, farts, and shit all at once.

My favorite thing she does, is that she washes the counters with bleach. And I'm pretty confident it's undiluted bleach. Which might seriously explain why she's so fucked in the head. She's probably ingested gallons of bleach through all that nasty ass food she makes.

For the longest time I had always been telling my girlfriend about the messed up things this lunatic says, she always thought they were funny, but she never realized how truly crazy they were until she heard them first hand. Here are some of the gems that my girlfriend has heard.

Example 1: "Whew, who am I going to make out with tonight. Maybe Josh? No not Josh."

Example 2: "I think I should go knock on Joshua's door, see if he wants to have fun."

Example 3: "Oh man, I need a tampon. A super thick one, I'm having a heavy flow kind of day."

Example 4: "Oh jeez, my thighs are seriously chaffing from rubbing together."

G.R.O.S.S.

Well, adios. Until next time.

Dumpy Apartment and the Crazy Stories It Has Given Me

Well, since the last time I have written anything; some big changes have happened. Some personal problems have come up and as a result, I ended up moving to a new place. AND boy, is this place weird...

Here are some strange things that I have noticed/learned about my new place; partly from me observing and also from talking to my two other roommates (who feel and the think the same things about this place).

First off, there are three of us who live in this place. We each know the landlady by three different names and reach her through three different numbers. This lady is also a hoarder. There is shit crammed into every possible nook and cranny of this dump. In addition to that, she has three vehicles that are also filled with shit.
The landlady has a problem with one of my roommates, because he questions the dumb bullshit that she does. As a result of this, the landlady badmouthed this guy to me and our other roommate before we each moved in. As a result, we figured out she is full of shit and we actually like each other. Also to go with that, she never calls him by his name and if one of us mentions his name, she stares off like she has no idea who we are talking about.
Did I mention that there is a lot of shit in this place? Well there is. To go along with all the shit in this place, there are a shit ton of rats in the attic. Like if you are in the kitchen and it's quiet, you can here them scurrying around, having sex, or doing whatever it is that rats do. Due to the gross nature of this place, we all keep all of our personal belongings in our rooms. Not because of each other, but because it's gross and she has taken some things from past occupants "by accident".
That also reminds me. We all have locks on our doors. Again not because of each other, but from her. When I was going to move in, she offered me a choice of two locks. Two SHITTY locks. One was a combination lock and the other was a key lock; with a key so small you lose it just by looking at it. I told her I was going to buy a Master Lock. You've heard of Master Lock before right? Well, she is the only person in the world who hasn't. I showed her my lock and she was mystified. Oh yeah, there was an old lock on the door that I needed to get off. She said "How are you going to get that off?". I said "Well, don't you have a bolt cutter?". She then shot me a look that said; why would you ask something so fucking stupid? Well when I moved in, I had to get that lock off so how did I do it? I ripped it off with my bare hands. I told her how I did that and she told me it took four guys to put that lock on the door. That's right, four guys.


I will be in this dumpy shit hole of a dump until the end of June and I am very, very positive that this place is a gold mine for this blog. So stay tuned!

Son Of A Bitch Jeans

I don't know if anyone who stumbles across this by total accident has the same problem as me; BUT I have a pair of jeans which fit great (and even a bit loose) and the son of a bitch bastard zipper comes undone when I walk. Holy balls is that annoying. If I walk maybe 45 feet the whole thing is undone. Free peep show for oncoming foot traffic.

I'm not sure which is more embarrassing: a) having to constantly rezip my pants like some sort of fool, b) forgetting about it and walking like that for blocks on end, or c) having to try and zip my pants up (non) discreetly, even though everyone probably knows what's up.

Anyways, damn jeans.

Second Hand News (Like the Song)

Well, nothing super new to talk about here, so I'm gonna do a short run down of my favorite awkward embarrassing stories. Stories that didn't happen to me though. These are second hand stories from the people who saw them, apart of it somehow, or they happened to them.

1) A buddy of mine in a class told me this when we were riding our bikes home from said class. I told him how I hate when dick SF drivers nearly hit you on the road (if you ride your bike on the sidewalk and the cops see you, it's a $170 ticket!). He says "...don't give them the finger. People are used to that, give them the thumbs down. I gave a guy the thumbs down once, he rolled down his window and yelled "DID YOU JUST FUCKING GIVE ME THE THUMBS DOWN?!?!?!" So give people the thumbs down.

2) In a drawing class I had, the teacher was doing a demo and all of a sudden a friend of mine starts laughing out loud. After the demo I ask her why she was laughing. She told me she forgot for a second where she was because she got a text from her mom telling her about a cousin of hers. She then relayed the story to me as follows, "...my mom texted me to say that my cousin had to have surgery because he somehow sliced his nut sack open riding his bike. Somehow his shorts got snagged in the chain and it tore his nut sack open. And his mom posted it all over Facebook. This isn't the first time this happened either. A few years ago he was sitting on a lawn chair, somehow one of his balls fell between the rubber bands of the chair. My other cousins picked up the chair with him on it and threw it in the pool. After a while he didn't come up and they realized he was stuck. They then had to dive into the pool and grab the whole chair with him on it and give some super scissors to cut the rubber to free him."

3) In high school my friend Ray went to some stupid party. He came out to his car and said he saw a bag hanging from his rear view mirror. He slowly got in and saw the bag, within seconds a smell was filling his nostrils; he touched the bag and it hit him. It was shit. Not just any shit, it was people shit. He never knew who did it. A few years later, another friend asked me if I had heard about that incident. I said yes, then he asked if I knew who did it. I said no, and he proceeded to tell me who did it. I laughed my ass off and forgot about it. A few months later I was hanging out with Ray and that story came up. He still never knew who did it. I said I knew who it was, I told him and he got super pissed reliving that event. He finally put faces (it was two entitled asses) to the feces. (zing!)

So yeah, there's some funny(ish) second hand stories. Until next time. 

Office Tales

A few weeks ago I wrapped up my summer job. I won't say where, although if you come to San Francisco there are multiple locations and it's a great way to get some exercise and see the city at the same time. So, what I gonna do is jot down a few of the funnier things that I heard/saw during the three months I worked there. So enjoy, or not.

In no particular order...

1. Two women came in and one of them pulls me aside to ask if Alcatraz was "real". I had no idea what she meant and neither did her friend. She was dead serious and apparently thought that Alcatraz was not really sitting out in the bay.

2. It was my turn to clean the bathroom. This Irish guy who worked there asked if he could go real fast. I said sure. Now in this bathroom there was the door and like a stall door, even though there was one toilet. I left and he shut the stall door leaving the bathroom door open. Then proceeded to take a massive shit and stink up the whole joint.

3. I was walking back from Walgreens on my break one day and I saw Jon Gruden. He is very short.

4. This French guy and girl came in to work. I gave them directions to the Golden Gate Bridge, but was distracted by the French girl's immense mustache. It was like watching a car accident. I couldn't look away.

5. This crackhead came into the store and was just walking around. One of the Supervisor guy's asks him what he is doing. Crackhead says nothing. Supervisor says to him: "Why don't you follow me, we're gonna take a look at something..." They walk out and then Supervisor turns around and walks back in. Crackhead stops and says: "...why...why you gotta treat me like I'm...I'm a turd. I'm not a turd. You're a god damn turd!"

6. A coworker friend of mine saw a hobo take a shit on the sidewalk. Corn hole, balls, shit and everything. Then he proceeded to wipe.

7. On my last day of work, one of the girls didn't show up. Turns out she crashed an electric bike into a metal gate and broke her god damn teeth. They strangely seemed to break symmetrically.

8. Lastly, this crazy ass guy was chasing someone down the street threatening him with a taser; for easily 20 minutes. My boss calls the cops and the crazy guy tries to jump on the bus to get away. Next thing you know 5, yes FIVE cop cars show up. They get the guy and then proceed to play with the taser for another 15 minutes.

Public Encounters Volume 1

Normally when I go out on Muni (San Francisco public transportation), I wear headphones. Mostly so I don't have to listen to the throngs of people and their borderline retarded conversations. Although, the other day I was on the bus with my lady as we were headed to the vet and naturally since I was with her, I didn't wear any headphones. What I heard was awesomeness. Pure awesomeness. The "conversation" in question was between a super aging skateboarder, a hippy pot smoker, and his drugged out girlfriend who was BARELY awake and taking.

HPS: Dude, you know who is the best bass player ever?

ASB: Oh man, I'm an old metal head, so Cliff Burton is the man for me.

HPS: Uh....who?

ASB: He was the original bass player for Metallica. All of their early songs were structured for him.

DOG: .......picnic.....fries....

HPS: Oh he's the guy who died right? What about Les Claypool? Or Flea?

ASB: (mocks air bass playing) Nah, man those guys are all technique....here's my stop...

DOG: .....I GOTTA GO....

The other part to this entry is as follows. I recently started a job (yay?!). I won't say where, but I meet people from all over the country/world/universe everyday. It's really cool, meeting these people. Every once in awhile though, I meet some real dumbasses. Here's what happened between 2 women and myself.

Me: How long are you guys in town?

Lady 1: Oh just a few days. We thought we'd check out some of the sites in the city.

Me: Oh that's great! You gonna see Alcatraz? It's really cool!

Lady 1: I'd like to. I have to see what she thinks (points to Lady 2).

Lady 2: What's up?

Lady 1: He asked if we were going to go to Alcatraz...

Lady 2: Is that fake? It can't be real?

Me: What?

Lady 1: She is always skeptical...

Lady 2: It can't be real...

In summation; this lady (Lady 2) THINKS that Alcatraz is fake. The island, the prison, the documentation, the history, etc...is all FAKE.

What the hell?

Going Deep?

It's not often that I find a book, movie, song, or piece of art that "speaks" to me. I don't know why, maybe I'm just not one of those people. But not too long ago (again, as usual, as of me writing this) I read a book for a class called If on a Winter's Night a Traveller, by Italo Calvino and experienced this. By the way it is a very....um...interesting story.
I think the reason why this happened was because of the fact that he wrote large chunks of it in the second person narrative. The section in question is one where he states "...you don't reread books, you can't. You commit them to memory and they become associated with events in your life..." That is totally me in a nut shell! Of all the books I own I have reread maybe, maybe three of them (Suck It Wonder Woman, 13 Bullets, and The Great Gatsby), yet I can recall most of what happens in the books even if it has been years since I read it; the same goes for music. I can go months sometimes years without playing a song then suddenly decide to play it, and without pulling out the sheet music, I can play it nearly flawlessly within three tries!
Anyways about the other part of that statement, I tend to associate what I read with where I was, who I was with, what was going on in my life at the time. For example (and don't judge me here) Jose Canseco's second book, Vindicated, I got that when I first moved to San Francisco in July 2009. I remember who I got it with (my fiance), where I got it from (Books Inc. in the marina), where I was living at, what I was doing, where I finished it, what I did the day I finished it, etc... It's like this with most books I read.
It's not that I don't want to reread them, I flirt with the idea all the time. It's just that when I want to, they get buried in the depth chart of my reading list. And I'm one of those people who doesn't like to read multiple books at the same time. It's not a focus thing, because I think people who say that are full of shit, it's more a case of me giving the book my full attention.
So I guess the lesson here is to read a book in the second person and see if it "speaks" to you. By the way in case you stumble upon this and do not know the differences of the P.O.V.'s here they are: 1st (me, I) 2nd (you) 3rd (he,she).

...also this switched between 1st and 2nd P.O.V.

Funny Story Time

Setting: San Francisco

Time: Fall 2011

Event: the Vikings just lost ANOTHER god damn game in what was an unbelievably shitty season

I was walking down Van Ness after the Vikings got the shit kicked out of them AGAIN. I was wearing my Minnesota Wild hoodie and my Vikings hat. I come upon this dude who was wearing a Vikings jacket and hat. He look seriously pissed off. As I get close to him I see what he is wearing and he sees what I am wearing. In mid stride as we pass each other, we both stare at each other and begin laughing out loud as we pass each other. God damn Minnesota Vikings.

What's That Smell Part Six: Who Shit in the Air Vents?

Well, here goes the first entry of the new year and the sixth incredible chapter of this god damn epic piece known as What's That Smell? So sit back and read the smells!

This seasons journey started at about 4:30 in the god damn morning, as I waited outside for the Super Shuttle to arrive. I got the call and he didn't show for like 10 minutes. When he finally showed up, the whole van was packed and this driver was just chucking suitcases in the back left and right with no regard for anything. Fast forward a few hours or so and I'm on the plane to Minneapolis. And the dude next to me was farting pretty much the whole time. The kinda where you can tell you gotta a turd on deck. Yep bad. To top it off, he was also trying to bogart my space. BASTARD.
I then arrive in Minneapolis, which is one of my favorite airports; although there was one thing that was different this time. The entire place smelled like shit. Not metaphorically. More like someone took a duke in the air vents. It was everywhere. Mmm mmm.
Nothing magical really happened on the way from Minneapolis to Grand Forks, so I'll skip that part. My actual trip was good though and I can't wait to go back in the summer. So lets fast forward 2 weeks to me flying back.
I'm sitting in the new Grand Forks airport, which is much better than the old one for sure, and as I'm waiting for my flight to board the flight in the next terminal is about to board and the announcer guy is being super sarcastic and hilarious. Here is a taste of what he said:

 *"Okay, we're going to board our 1st class and priority customers first, if you are unsure if you fit into that category, chances are you don't."

*"We're going to be boarding in a specific numerical order, so don't bother crowding around, you're not getting on early."

*"...if you look on your ticket and see a Z you can board, and if you're from Canada that's a ZAY..."

Good stuff.

So Grand Forks to Minneapolis wasn't bad, the flight attendant had a bit of a retarded Moon Bloodgood look going on, but that was about it. That and the fact that the ginormous lady next to me kept hitting me with her arm as I read Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban (yeah I'm like 10 years behind, so what?).
Minneapolis to San Francisco was fairly pedestrian compared to past tales. There was the couple who sat next to me that kept having the urge to feel each other up, which was uh...weird to say the least. This was also the first time that I had been on a flight to where I had people from behind me rush the front of the plane so they could get off first, even though I was in the 4th row...of the second section of coach (which was right by the exit, which was why I was a bit miffed).
The journey from the airport was exciting as well. First the BART doors on the train were locked for about 10 minutes, while people were in the train (LAME!). I finally got to the Powell stop and saw Mandi waiting for me (that was super awesome!). Then as we were walking to the bus stop we passed a "homeless" guy who let me know I was officially back in San Francisco by saying this to me: "Hey man, can you buy me a hooker? It's too hard to masturbate when you can't feel your fingers!"

Well that's this seasons incredible (?) installment of What's That Smell?. While I was home I was brainstorming some ideas about future entries, hopefully they don't suck.

Peace out who ever reads this.

Play Ball Bitches!

Baseball, it's awesome. After football it's my favorite sport and recently I went to my second professional game again between my Minnesota Twins and the Oakland A's. The Twins lost and that was sad, they put up a fight but came up short but won the series 2 games to 1. Todays tale is again about the experience that we had along the way, so sit back and enjoy!
I should have known that it was going to be an interesting day because right off the bat (no pun intended, wait yes!) at the BART station I look up and see a quasi graffiti on the ceiling type thing and what does it say? "CHRIS MOFFETT IS A PHEDOPHILE", complete with a creepy smiley face. That set the tone for the day.
So about 35-45 minutes later, we get there and surprise surprise; The Coliseum is still a shit hole! But for about $35 each, Mandi and I were sitting in the second row (seats 3&4) just to the left of the Twins bullpen, banging seats if I do say so myself. So we're sitting there watching Carl Pavano and Kevin Slowey play catch about 10 yards from us (really cool), then all of a sudden a bunch of dumb ass kids start to flood the front row fence trying in vain to get the players attention by yelling "Hey #48!" or "Hey can I have the ball?". Surprisingly none of this works. Then the game starts and no one is in front of us or next to us which is awesome, then the afternoon took a strange turn.
First Oakland's skankiest mom and her two dumb ass kids show up and sit next to us, or should I say me cause I take the bullet for the team. They get like everything that one could imagine from pizza, to pop, to stuffed animals. Then in the top of the second the next wave of dip shits arrive. They are in the form of 2 dumb ass guys and their 2 equally retarded wives/girlfriends. One guy thinks that he is an expert in baseball but then will negate his expertise by saying something to the effect of "How do they cut the grass?" This is tolerable until our resident expert takes his shirt off for no reason and what do I see after he does this? His back has been waxed and it's growing back in. Yummy. Every time a foul ball is hit anywhere in our general vicinity he says something like "Dude, if he had just hit the ball at more of 5 degree angle, it would be right on top of us." Bravo. Meanwhile the whole time those two dumb ass kids keep getting up because they think that if they bother the ball boy enough he will give their ball to the Twins bullpen for them to sign it, and what would you know, they get shot down every time. So much that one of them is on the verge of tears (love it). And despite the fact that those little bastards keep interrupting our experience by walking in front of us, Mom of the Year does nor says anything to them about it, but finally notices that we are extremely annoyed and tells them to sit in some empty seats so that they can be crushed once again.
Fast forward to the bottom of the 7th inning. The geniuses in front of us have been talking to their friends who were sitting in a shitty section of the stadium all day, then sneak them into the front row with them. This is where it gets more interesting/annoying. There fat turd friend is now sitting where Mr. Backwax was sitting, Instantly, I hate him. Now this next part is where every annoying version of a fan on T.V. comes out of the screen and into real life. The fat turd heckles one of the Twins pitchers (Alex Burnett) relentlessly, and I know it's his right as a fan to be vocal but still; then another Twins pitcher named Jon Rauch walks by us but he says nothing to him. I think its because Rauch is like 7 feet tall and about 275 pounds. Anyways, then out of nowhere a security guard shows up and this more or less is their exhcange:

SG: How did you get those seats?
FT: I bought the tickets, I've been here the whole game.
SG: Really? Cause I know for a fact that you've been in that upper section all game.
FT: No man I got the tickets right here.
SG: I don't care.
(At this point he some how pulls the tickets out of his ass, when none of them had the tickets because Hairy back guy and his lady were supposed to sit next to us the whole time with their other two idiot friends sitting in the 1 and 2 seats.)
SG: Well, if I have to come back here again, I'm bringing my friends and there will be no discussion.
FT: You won't have to come back. I promise cross my heart, hope to die!

The security guard leaves and instantly the fat turd and his friends start laughing about the incident with a much more cocky tone. Then the fat turd's mutant woman says "Wow, and that was only mild heckling from him." and "See, next time I tell you to shut up, shut up."
Both sadly and thankfully the game is nearing the end. Super Skank and her bastard offspring decide to leave the game an inning early and AGGGGGGAIN cut in front of us to leave, but it was the last time so I let it slide. Then about 15 minutes later, the game ends and we leave and notice one last thing: we both have ridiculous sunburns.
So ends another season of the Twins coming out to Oakland to play the A's. They are 1-1 in the two games we have seen and next May,June, or July when they come back again; we'll be there to see them and all the freak ass people who are there!