Roommate Rants Vol. 3

Recently something amazing happened: the freaky ass person who has been the subject of this and the previous two entries has moved out and is living....well I don't really give a shit where. As long as it's not here. Or anywhere near me. Ever. But as I anticipated she definitely went out with a bang. Here's a rundown of the highlights/lowlights from her final days/weeks....

* Her very absolute last day in the house she, a grown ass woman 30+ years old, took a shit on the toilet seat. Yep. A shit on the toilet seat.

* A few days before she left, I overheard her talking loudly to someone. It had the tone of reminiscing, laughter and things of that nature. Well, she was super god damn loud so I peaked my head out while she wasn't looking and guess what I saw. She was talking to NO ONE. She was walking all over the house putting these conversational breaks and laughter into her own crazy ramblings.

* She called her bank about overdraft fee's in the amount of $300.00. And when they wouldn't take them away, she said she would go to the bank. She promptly hung up and farted like 12 times and then took a nap.

* As mentioned earlier, she fancied herself a culinary wizard. Her shelves were filled with easily $500.00 worth of groceries from Trader Joe's that she just left. For no real reason.

* I confronted her about hogging the kitchen and how no one could use it, and how it was communal space, you know normal roommate/reasonable issues. She flipped out per usual, and I calmly told her, "You can't just bogart the kitchen whenever you want, as long as you want, as often as you want. There are others here who would like to use it." The very next day, she was making a lot of shit, making a mess, being loud with her blender. What does she say while doing this? She yells over the blender: "HEY JOSH!!!! I'M BOGARTING THE BLENDER!!!" I don't think she knows what that word means. And also it was her personal blender...so yeah.

* Lastly my personal favorite. I was hanging out with my girlfriend and then she went home for the night. An hour or so later, this freak comes out of her room and starts making shit at like 11:30 in the kitchen. Then the talking to herself starts. She walks past my room and says the following "Thanks for letting me know that you have a girlfriend......are you trying to fuck me? Cause I'm not interested" Keep in mind that none of that was solicited. At all.

Well, that's it for this chapter of weirdness. As a parting end of these particular entry, as a special treat here is a photo of her AND the cherry on this turd sunday: her room. Keep in mind that this is how her room looked all the time. Imagine the smells at your own risk...

Behold! The weirdo in question!!

The weirdo's natural habitat.

Roommate Rants Vol. 2

It's been awhile since I discussed anything on this contraption, but you know, life kind of got in the way. Well here's what I got today, enjoy.

My last entry was about my crazy roommate, and guess what? So is this one!!!!

It's been a few months and there has been a stockpile of crazy that has gathered up. Here's some of the gems that this lunatic has given me.

As I mentioned previously, she talks to her cats. And not like a normal person talks to their pets. Here are some of the weird things I've heard her say as of late...

Example 1: "What? What are you gonna do? I'm 230 pounds and you're 15 pounds!"

Example 2: "Get. Go one get.....You want one right between the eyes?!"

Example 3: "Oh so you don't like the new litter box I gave you? I can tell because you shit on my sheets. Thanks for that you asshole."

Amazing no? Just for those keeping score. She challenged a CAT to a fight. TWICE.

I mentioned previously at length how she fancy's herself a culinary wizard, when in reality she is barely qualified to operate a can opener. Over the holidays, I came home to find literally, boxes of brussel sprouts all over the house. On New Years eve my girlfriend and I had already planned to go out, but on the way home I saw this crazy person on the street and she stops me to say: "Hey...um you can't use the kitchen tonight (insert crazy smile). I'm cooking brussel sprouts. But I'll pay you to go out for dinner (which she of course never did)." That same night we came back to my place for awhile and saw the absolute disaster area that was the kitchen. Brussel sprouts EVERYWHERE. The sink, the counters, on top of the microwave, the stove, the floor...EVERYWHERE. Did I mention that she does this thing where she starts working on something, leaves food out and forgets about it for days on end. Completely uncovered. Anyways it took her days to clean up that mess. And when she did start doing something with it, it smelled like she was boiling garbage, farts, and shit all at once.

My favorite thing she does, is that she washes the counters with bleach. And I'm pretty confident it's undiluted bleach. Which might seriously explain why she's so fucked in the head. She's probably ingested gallons of bleach through all that nasty ass food she makes.

For the longest time I had always been telling my girlfriend about the messed up things this lunatic says, she always thought they were funny, but she never realized how truly crazy they were until she heard them first hand. Here are some of the gems that my girlfriend has heard.

Example 1: "Whew, who am I going to make out with tonight. Maybe Josh? No not Josh."

Example 2: "I think I should go knock on Joshua's door, see if he wants to have fun."

Example 3: "Oh man, I need a tampon. A super thick one, I'm having a heavy flow kind of day."

Example 4: "Oh jeez, my thighs are seriously chaffing from rubbing together."

G.R.O.S.S.

Well, adios. Until next time.