Roommate Rants Vol. 3

Recently something amazing happened: the freaky ass person who has been the subject of this and the previous two entries has moved out and is living....well I don't really give a shit where. As long as it's not here. Or anywhere near me. Ever. But as I anticipated she definitely went out with a bang. Here's a rundown of the highlights/lowlights from her final days/weeks....

* Her very absolute last day in the house she, a grown ass woman 30+ years old, took a shit on the toilet seat. Yep. A shit on the toilet seat.

* A few days before she left, I overheard her talking loudly to someone. It had the tone of reminiscing, laughter and things of that nature. Well, she was super god damn loud so I peaked my head out while she wasn't looking and guess what I saw. She was talking to NO ONE. She was walking all over the house putting these conversational breaks and laughter into her own crazy ramblings.

* She called her bank about overdraft fee's in the amount of $300.00. And when they wouldn't take them away, she said she would go to the bank. She promptly hung up and farted like 12 times and then took a nap.

* As mentioned earlier, she fancied herself a culinary wizard. Her shelves were filled with easily $500.00 worth of groceries from Trader Joe's that she just left. For no real reason.

* I confronted her about hogging the kitchen and how no one could use it, and how it was communal space, you know normal roommate/reasonable issues. She flipped out per usual, and I calmly told her, "You can't just bogart the kitchen whenever you want, as long as you want, as often as you want. There are others here who would like to use it." The very next day, she was making a lot of shit, making a mess, being loud with her blender. What does she say while doing this? She yells over the blender: "HEY JOSH!!!! I'M BOGARTING THE BLENDER!!!" I don't think she knows what that word means. And also it was her personal blender...so yeah.

* Lastly my personal favorite. I was hanging out with my girlfriend and then she went home for the night. An hour or so later, this freak comes out of her room and starts making shit at like 11:30 in the kitchen. Then the talking to herself starts. She walks past my room and says the following "Thanks for letting me know that you have a girlfriend......are you trying to fuck me? Cause I'm not interested" Keep in mind that none of that was solicited. At all.

Well, that's it for this chapter of weirdness. As a parting end of these particular entry, as a special treat here is a photo of her AND the cherry on this turd sunday: her room. Keep in mind that this is how her room looked all the time. Imagine the smells at your own risk...

Behold! The weirdo in question!!

The weirdo's natural habitat.

Second Hand News (Like the Song)

Well, nothing super new to talk about here, so I'm gonna do a short run down of my favorite awkward embarrassing stories. Stories that didn't happen to me though. These are second hand stories from the people who saw them, apart of it somehow, or they happened to them.

1) A buddy of mine in a class told me this when we were riding our bikes home from said class. I told him how I hate when dick SF drivers nearly hit you on the road (if you ride your bike on the sidewalk and the cops see you, it's a $170 ticket!). He says "...don't give them the finger. People are used to that, give them the thumbs down. I gave a guy the thumbs down once, he rolled down his window and yelled "DID YOU JUST FUCKING GIVE ME THE THUMBS DOWN?!?!?!" So give people the thumbs down.

2) In a drawing class I had, the teacher was doing a demo and all of a sudden a friend of mine starts laughing out loud. After the demo I ask her why she was laughing. She told me she forgot for a second where she was because she got a text from her mom telling her about a cousin of hers. She then relayed the story to me as follows, "...my mom texted me to say that my cousin had to have surgery because he somehow sliced his nut sack open riding his bike. Somehow his shorts got snagged in the chain and it tore his nut sack open. And his mom posted it all over Facebook. This isn't the first time this happened either. A few years ago he was sitting on a lawn chair, somehow one of his balls fell between the rubber bands of the chair. My other cousins picked up the chair with him on it and threw it in the pool. After a while he didn't come up and they realized he was stuck. They then had to dive into the pool and grab the whole chair with him on it and give some super scissors to cut the rubber to free him."

3) In high school my friend Ray went to some stupid party. He came out to his car and said he saw a bag hanging from his rear view mirror. He slowly got in and saw the bag, within seconds a smell was filling his nostrils; he touched the bag and it hit him. It was shit. Not just any shit, it was people shit. He never knew who did it. A few years later, another friend asked me if I had heard about that incident. I said yes, then he asked if I knew who did it. I said no, and he proceeded to tell me who did it. I laughed my ass off and forgot about it. A few months later I was hanging out with Ray and that story came up. He still never knew who did it. I said I knew who it was, I told him and he got super pissed reliving that event. He finally put faces (it was two entitled asses) to the feces. (zing!)

So yeah, there's some funny(ish) second hand stories. Until next time. 

Office Tales

A few weeks ago I wrapped up my summer job. I won't say where, although if you come to San Francisco there are multiple locations and it's a great way to get some exercise and see the city at the same time. So, what I gonna do is jot down a few of the funnier things that I heard/saw during the three months I worked there. So enjoy, or not.

In no particular order...

1. Two women came in and one of them pulls me aside to ask if Alcatraz was "real". I had no idea what she meant and neither did her friend. She was dead serious and apparently thought that Alcatraz was not really sitting out in the bay.

2. It was my turn to clean the bathroom. This Irish guy who worked there asked if he could go real fast. I said sure. Now in this bathroom there was the door and like a stall door, even though there was one toilet. I left and he shut the stall door leaving the bathroom door open. Then proceeded to take a massive shit and stink up the whole joint.

3. I was walking back from Walgreens on my break one day and I saw Jon Gruden. He is very short.

4. This French guy and girl came in to work. I gave them directions to the Golden Gate Bridge, but was distracted by the French girl's immense mustache. It was like watching a car accident. I couldn't look away.

5. This crackhead came into the store and was just walking around. One of the Supervisor guy's asks him what he is doing. Crackhead says nothing. Supervisor says to him: "Why don't you follow me, we're gonna take a look at something..." They walk out and then Supervisor turns around and walks back in. Crackhead stops and says: "...why...why you gotta treat me like I'm...I'm a turd. I'm not a turd. You're a god damn turd!"

6. A coworker friend of mine saw a hobo take a shit on the sidewalk. Corn hole, balls, shit and everything. Then he proceeded to wipe.

7. On my last day of work, one of the girls didn't show up. Turns out she crashed an electric bike into a metal gate and broke her god damn teeth. They strangely seemed to break symmetrically.

8. Lastly, this crazy ass guy was chasing someone down the street threatening him with a taser; for easily 20 minutes. My boss calls the cops and the crazy guy tries to jump on the bus to get away. Next thing you know 5, yes FIVE cop cars show up. They get the guy and then proceed to play with the taser for another 15 minutes.

Funny Story Time: Part Duex!!!!!

Place: The Silkscreen room at school.
Time: Oh let's say.....about 11:00 on a Saturday.
Event: I'm prepping some screens for class on Tuesday, and there is a school tour that comes through.

Not the "twins" he was asking about.

So I am cleaning and prepping some screens  while listening to Steel Panther and I'm there by myself: it's a god damn blast! I'm back where the big sink is, had the hose going, so I couldn't hear a damn thing; no Steel Panther, nothing. Then out of nowhere I hear someone talking to what seems like a bunch of people. Turns out a tour came through the studio. What song is playing? Super Sonic Sex Machine; which is just one of many hilarious Steel Panther tunes by the way. That must have been an interesting song to hear for the unprepared.
Anyways, so this tour guide asks how it's going and I tell her "super duper". She keeps talking, and I notice someone's dad in the background looking at my iPhone on the docking station, which happened to be playing the album Balls Out with the cover photo you see on the side. He then makes his way up to me and says this:

Guy: What's with the twins?
Me:  I'm sorry what?
Guy: The twins. What's with the Twins?

I'm totally lost. He then reaches up to my head and pulls of my Minnesota Twins cap. He was from Minnesota. He wanted to talk about how shitty the Twins are. Here I thought he was asking me why the woman on the album cover had huge boobs.

Random Stand Alone Story Time!!!!!!

RANDOM STAND ALONE STORY TIME!!!!!!

So here's the deal with this one, I was 20 at the time of this taking place. For Spring Break/Mandi & Megan's 21st birthday we went to Canada with some other people...who made the trip interesting in a few ways. But this is about one specific portion, specifically crossing the Canadian boarder to come back to the United States. Here we go.
We pull up to the window thing with the smug asshole at the gate. He asks why we are coming through, never mind the fact that we were all U.S. citizens and I had North Dakota license plates on my car; apparently I gave him a smart ass answer. Add in my long hair and I guess I was asking for what happened next.
He tells me to pull up ahead and asks us all to get out, then go in this small room. As we sit there I see them start to pull all the shit out of my car and looking at everything. They got to the trunk and pulled out my drawing supplies I kept in there for my Figure Drawing class. I see them pull out the pad and start flipping through it, while looking back at me as I wave. 10 minutes later we were let go. Oh, yeah did I forget to mention that inside that 18x24 drawing pad were dozens upon dozens of drawings of NAKED MEN?! By the way; it was a nude figure drawing class just in case you needed me to fill in the remaining blanks.

Memo to self: in the future (when I get another car) take all drawing pads out of the car when I go on car trips that take me to another country. Otherwise it could get interesting.

YOU CAN'T BE NO NOVICE WHEN YOU HAVE THESE!!!!!

Here are some funny short stories, that involve me in the sense that I was there to witness them. Enjoy. Or not, what the hell.

1. A few weeks ago I went to the dollar store by my house, because I like to buy cheap shit and it makes me feel rich sometimes. Anyways, I bought a few things and then as I was standing in line the magic happened. This guy in a suit grabs Wassabi Cashews and says the following to me (please note I did not engage him first): "AH MAN, WASSABI CASHEWS!!!! YOU CAN'T BE NO NOVICE WHEN YOU HAVE THESE!" Then the woman in front of me starts complaining about the price...of the dollar store. Next thing I know her and Wasabi Cashew guy begin a discussion about where the cheapest place to get shit is. Here is the jist:

Woman: This is outrageous! $1.25 is too much for this. I'm going to go to the dollar store downtown.
Wassabi Cashew guy: Oh yeah that place has great stuff, but its out of my route.
Woman: Me too, but I'm going to make the time to go there.
Wassabi Cashew guy: I can't.
Woman: Actually you know where the best one is? In Chinatown. Everything is 69 cents.
Wassabi Cashew guy: Yeah, but do they have name brand stuff?

Unreal.


2. When I worked at a music store back home, we went to an old folks home to deliver a piano to a resident. As we walked in, I saw photos of all the residents on a bulletin board. Above it was text that said the following: WANTED BY GOD.


3. On the way to meet a sculptor downtown a few weeks ago, my awesome fiance and I were riding a bus through the shitty section of town since it was the most direct route. On the bus happened to be the world's worst rapper/beat boxer. For 15 stops we listened to this guy throw White people and Asian people under the proverbial bus for the plights of Black people while making beats and trying to sing a chorus to his song. The two funniest things about this were the fact that everyone was pissed of that he wouldn't shut up, yet no one said anything because there is nothing like witnessing a train wreck in person. The other funny thing was how his rants made NO factual or historical sense AT ALL. Just to give you a glimpse at this, he actually blamed White people for the assassination of Malcolm X.

5 More Tales of Heroism

• When I was in 8th grade, we took a class trip to a farm for a hayride I believe. On the way back from said trip, I was sitting in the middle of the bus and I decided to pull the window down and hock a loogie out the window. About 10 seconds later I hear someone in the back scream. The wind pulled the loogie back into the bus and hit someone right in the face.
  
• In high school I took 2 years of German (sprechen sie deutsch?) and in my first year of it something glorious happened. We all basically cheated off of each other and for some reason everyone thought that I knew this particular assignment, well guess what? Fucking no, I didn't. Not even close. So anyways everyone in all directions of me copied this particular assignment. The next day we got called up to the board to answer the questions and wouldn't you know it, everyone who got called up had copied off of my work. We all looked like tards.
  
• In this one, I think I was like 7(ish). I lived in Montana and it was the winter. So we had a big neighborhood snowball fight. Well, I really knocked some kid out with a throw. I stood up and celebrated and laughed my ass off, you know like anyone would do. At the same time I had opened my mouth to laugh, a guy threw a snowball and it landed exactly in my mouth; almost as if it had a homing beacon on it. The sports equivelant would be this: nothing but net. I'm sure you can imagine how it felt.
  
• This one didn't happen to me, but I was there and saw it happen in my mind before it happened. My friend and I met up with some other friends at a frolf course (I hate frolf). We were standing at the basket and one of my friends was about to throw the frisbee and the friend I showed up with was standing at the basket with me. In my mind I saw him getting hit in the face with the frisbee. 3 seconds later I took a few steps to the side and proceeded to watch him get hit in the face. Everyone laughed and I then said I saw it coming, which made everyone laugh harder.
  
• In one of my undergrad art classes, I think it was called Concepts of Art, we had weekly assignments we had to both print off and email to the instructor. They were discussions based off a book we were reading for class. Well, I typed up my assignment at work and meant to print it off at home. So I had to go back to work to email it to myself which I did, only when I do that for myself I put dumb stuff in the message line. Sounds fine right? Well after I did that I emailed it to my instructor like I was supposed to only I forgot to take out my dumb message line. It went something like this : HERE YOU GO YOU BASTARD! Surprisingly it was totally okay with him and he said the following to me "Ha, don't worry. That's not the worst thing someone has emailed me."