Funny Story Time: Part Duex!!!!!

Place: The Silkscreen room at school.
Time: Oh let's say.....about 11:00 on a Saturday.
Event: I'm prepping some screens for class on Tuesday, and there is a school tour that comes through.

Not the "twins" he was asking about.

So I am cleaning and prepping some screens  while listening to Steel Panther and I'm there by myself: it's a god damn blast! I'm back where the big sink is, had the hose going, so I couldn't hear a damn thing; no Steel Panther, nothing. Then out of nowhere I hear someone talking to what seems like a bunch of people. Turns out a tour came through the studio. What song is playing? Super Sonic Sex Machine; which is just one of many hilarious Steel Panther tunes by the way. That must have been an interesting song to hear for the unprepared.
Anyways, so this tour guide asks how it's going and I tell her "super duper". She keeps talking, and I notice someone's dad in the background looking at my iPhone on the docking station, which happened to be playing the album Balls Out with the cover photo you see on the side. He then makes his way up to me and says this:

Guy: What's with the twins?
Me:  I'm sorry what?
Guy: The twins. What's with the Twins?

I'm totally lost. He then reaches up to my head and pulls of my Minnesota Twins cap. He was from Minnesota. He wanted to talk about how shitty the Twins are. Here I thought he was asking me why the woman on the album cover had huge boobs.

That Is One Tiny Dugout

Two things: a) I love the Minnesota Twins, even when they suck and 4th) As I have mentioned in pervious posts, I rediscovered my love of reading since I moved to San Francisco. I guess it's the culture and the sophistication...yeah that's stupid; but it sounds like something someone here would say. I mostly got back into it because it is cheap and most of my stuff hadn't arrived yet. That being said anytime two things I love merge, that's awesome. For me at least. Only in this particular case it's a bit underwhelming.
The inspiration for this post was from the season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm when they did the Seinfeld reunion. In the episode Larry David pisses Jason Alexander of by commenting on how his book is so thin it looks more like a pamphlet. That got me thinking, have I ever read a book so thin, that it was really nothing more than a glorified pamphlet? The answer was yes. Yes I have.
There are actually two books that fit this category. One is The Great Gatsby, but that book is so fucking killer you kinda let that slide. The second was Tales From the Minnesota Twins Dugout by Twins legend and resident round belly Kent Hrbek. Now I love reading, the Minnesota Twins, and also Kent Hrbek; but for as good of a book as it was, I was shocked at how thin it is.
How thin is this literary masterpiece? Great question. 300 pages? No. 400 pages? No. Surely it can't possibly be 500 pages? Nope. It's a whopping 186 pages. Yep. that much. Incredible huh? He manages to cram in all of his pre baseball life, baseball life, and post baseball life up until it's release which was just before Target Field opened. Think about that for a minute. He crammed his father dying, making the Twins, becoming an All Star, the nucleus of the Twins championship teams coming together, said teams struggles, finally winning a World Series, his relationship with Kirby Puckett, his relationship with the fans, winning a second World Series, retiring, and doing his T.V. shows. All of this covered in a blistering 186 pages, and that's counting the appendix!
So yeah, there are those types of books out there, and I'm not knocking this one for quality. It might be even more amazing how much he got in here quality wise, but it's just shocking that a well known player who accomplished so much had so little to say. Still though, it's not a bad way to spend like an hour or so.

Play Ball Bitches!

Baseball, it's awesome. After football it's my favorite sport and recently I went to my second professional game again between my Minnesota Twins and the Oakland A's. The Twins lost and that was sad, they put up a fight but came up short but won the series 2 games to 1. Todays tale is again about the experience that we had along the way, so sit back and enjoy!
I should have known that it was going to be an interesting day because right off the bat (no pun intended, wait yes!) at the BART station I look up and see a quasi graffiti on the ceiling type thing and what does it say? "CHRIS MOFFETT IS A PHEDOPHILE", complete with a creepy smiley face. That set the tone for the day.
So about 35-45 minutes later, we get there and surprise surprise; The Coliseum is still a shit hole! But for about $35 each, Mandi and I were sitting in the second row (seats 3&4) just to the left of the Twins bullpen, banging seats if I do say so myself. So we're sitting there watching Carl Pavano and Kevin Slowey play catch about 10 yards from us (really cool), then all of a sudden a bunch of dumb ass kids start to flood the front row fence trying in vain to get the players attention by yelling "Hey #48!" or "Hey can I have the ball?". Surprisingly none of this works. Then the game starts and no one is in front of us or next to us which is awesome, then the afternoon took a strange turn.
First Oakland's skankiest mom and her two dumb ass kids show up and sit next to us, or should I say me cause I take the bullet for the team. They get like everything that one could imagine from pizza, to pop, to stuffed animals. Then in the top of the second the next wave of dip shits arrive. They are in the form of 2 dumb ass guys and their 2 equally retarded wives/girlfriends. One guy thinks that he is an expert in baseball but then will negate his expertise by saying something to the effect of "How do they cut the grass?" This is tolerable until our resident expert takes his shirt off for no reason and what do I see after he does this? His back has been waxed and it's growing back in. Yummy. Every time a foul ball is hit anywhere in our general vicinity he says something like "Dude, if he had just hit the ball at more of 5 degree angle, it would be right on top of us." Bravo. Meanwhile the whole time those two dumb ass kids keep getting up because they think that if they bother the ball boy enough he will give their ball to the Twins bullpen for them to sign it, and what would you know, they get shot down every time. So much that one of them is on the verge of tears (love it). And despite the fact that those little bastards keep interrupting our experience by walking in front of us, Mom of the Year does nor says anything to them about it, but finally notices that we are extremely annoyed and tells them to sit in some empty seats so that they can be crushed once again.
Fast forward to the bottom of the 7th inning. The geniuses in front of us have been talking to their friends who were sitting in a shitty section of the stadium all day, then sneak them into the front row with them. This is where it gets more interesting/annoying. There fat turd friend is now sitting where Mr. Backwax was sitting, Instantly, I hate him. Now this next part is where every annoying version of a fan on T.V. comes out of the screen and into real life. The fat turd heckles one of the Twins pitchers (Alex Burnett) relentlessly, and I know it's his right as a fan to be vocal but still; then another Twins pitcher named Jon Rauch walks by us but he says nothing to him. I think its because Rauch is like 7 feet tall and about 275 pounds. Anyways, then out of nowhere a security guard shows up and this more or less is their exhcange:

SG: How did you get those seats?
FT: I bought the tickets, I've been here the whole game.
SG: Really? Cause I know for a fact that you've been in that upper section all game.
FT: No man I got the tickets right here.
SG: I don't care.
(At this point he some how pulls the tickets out of his ass, when none of them had the tickets because Hairy back guy and his lady were supposed to sit next to us the whole time with their other two idiot friends sitting in the 1 and 2 seats.)
SG: Well, if I have to come back here again, I'm bringing my friends and there will be no discussion.
FT: You won't have to come back. I promise cross my heart, hope to die!

The security guard leaves and instantly the fat turd and his friends start laughing about the incident with a much more cocky tone. Then the fat turd's mutant woman says "Wow, and that was only mild heckling from him." and "See, next time I tell you to shut up, shut up."
Both sadly and thankfully the game is nearing the end. Super Skank and her bastard offspring decide to leave the game an inning early and AGGGGGGAIN cut in front of us to leave, but it was the last time so I let it slide. Then about 15 minutes later, the game ends and we leave and notice one last thing: we both have ridiculous sunburns.
So ends another season of the Twins coming out to Oakland to play the A's. They are 1-1 in the two games we have seen and next May,June, or July when they come back again; we'll be there to see them and all the freak ass people who are there!