Roommate Rants Vol. 2

It's been awhile since I discussed anything on this contraption, but you know, life kind of got in the way. Well here's what I got today, enjoy.

My last entry was about my crazy roommate, and guess what? So is this one!!!!

It's been a few months and there has been a stockpile of crazy that has gathered up. Here's some of the gems that this lunatic has given me.

As I mentioned previously, she talks to her cats. And not like a normal person talks to their pets. Here are some of the weird things I've heard her say as of late...

Example 1: "What? What are you gonna do? I'm 230 pounds and you're 15 pounds!"

Example 2: "Get. Go one get.....You want one right between the eyes?!"

Example 3: "Oh so you don't like the new litter box I gave you? I can tell because you shit on my sheets. Thanks for that you asshole."

Amazing no? Just for those keeping score. She challenged a CAT to a fight. TWICE.

I mentioned previously at length how she fancy's herself a culinary wizard, when in reality she is barely qualified to operate a can opener. Over the holidays, I came home to find literally, boxes of brussel sprouts all over the house. On New Years eve my girlfriend and I had already planned to go out, but on the way home I saw this crazy person on the street and she stops me to say: "Hey...um you can't use the kitchen tonight (insert crazy smile). I'm cooking brussel sprouts. But I'll pay you to go out for dinner (which she of course never did)." That same night we came back to my place for awhile and saw the absolute disaster area that was the kitchen. Brussel sprouts EVERYWHERE. The sink, the counters, on top of the microwave, the stove, the floor...EVERYWHERE. Did I mention that she does this thing where she starts working on something, leaves food out and forgets about it for days on end. Completely uncovered. Anyways it took her days to clean up that mess. And when she did start doing something with it, it smelled like she was boiling garbage, farts, and shit all at once.

My favorite thing she does, is that she washes the counters with bleach. And I'm pretty confident it's undiluted bleach. Which might seriously explain why she's so fucked in the head. She's probably ingested gallons of bleach through all that nasty ass food she makes.

For the longest time I had always been telling my girlfriend about the messed up things this lunatic says, she always thought they were funny, but she never realized how truly crazy they were until she heard them first hand. Here are some of the gems that my girlfriend has heard.

Example 1: "Whew, who am I going to make out with tonight. Maybe Josh? No not Josh."

Example 2: "I think I should go knock on Joshua's door, see if he wants to have fun."

Example 3: "Oh man, I need a tampon. A super thick one, I'm having a heavy flow kind of day."

Example 4: "Oh jeez, my thighs are seriously chaffing from rubbing together."

G.R.O.S.S.

Well, adios. Until next time.

A Different Kind of Circus

As it's January, and it's also that time of the year where musicians from all over the world get together in Los Angeles for the winter N.A.M.M. (National Association of Music Merchants) show; I figured that I would briefly run down the craziness that I was fortunate enough to experience in 2009 when I went. So this not really going to necessarily flow from thing to thing, it'll just be things I saw and experienced. Some will be short one liners, others a bit lengthier.

Without further a due, here we go!!!

*I went to this sweet ass Yamaha party and proceeded to get food poisoning from some bad queso while getting super drunk off of free beer. They next morning we were was supposed to attend an awards banquet for the company I worked for; it was an award for staying in business for 100 consecutive years. Needless to say, I didn't make it. And this was like the second day of the week and a half long trip.

*At the conference I was cut off by Dave Mustaine, twice. Literally. Like he walked right in front of me and I had to stop in my tracks or I would have run into him.

*From across the room, I saw Steve Vai marching across the hall. I say marching because that is one lanky bastard and he was leaving all of his assistants in the dust by about 20 steps.

*John Dolmayan, the drummer from System of a Down, was wondering around like a lost child.

*One day I was leaving and Tony Levin was walking in, looking like some sort of androgynous gunslinger. Parting the seas of people with his bass. And mustache.

*I went off exploring, which is super fun to do there, and saw Jordan Rudess from Dream Theater playing piano to exactly 3 people.

*While wondering around, I found the booth where Michael Anthony was signing at. I got his autograph by inadvertently cutting in front of about 200 people. Oops.

*Oh yeah, and I found a giant ass rave room. Fucking crazy.

*I found Mike Inez from Alice In Chains who was super cool and super drunk (it was like 11AM); talked to him and he signed some autographs for me. And managed to spell my name wrong, even though we were all wearing name tags.

*During one of the days, I found a booth/table where Alex Skolnick and Alexi Lahio were signing. Everyone seemed to be bypassing Skolnick to meet Lahio who was acting like a tool. I was way way more excited to meet Skolnick for the second time and during the whole conversation I had with him, Lahio looked borderline annoyed I wasn't excited to see him. Douche.

*There are like 3-4 levels at this convention. In the basement they have every shit knock off version of instruments that you could imagine by small companies from even smaller countries. It was on this floor that I saw Brooke White; who was on a season of American Idol. She looked so bummed that some sponsor stuck her in the basement.

*This was also the trip that launched the legendary What's That Smell? series I started to write.

*When I was in a meeting with some folks from Randall, I looked off to the side and saw Tommy Shaw from Styx. Styx hasn't been popular since 1983. Tommy Shaw hasn't been popular since 1991. Yet he had a fleet of people with him doing shit for him. And he is short.

*While I was there, I learned a few things. One is that when the famous/well known musicians are out and about, they like to just check shit out without being bugged. They do this by turning over their badges so you can't see their names. One guy I saw who did this was Cris Caffery, of TSO and Savatage fame. He could tell I knew who he was yet shot me a look with his eyes that said "Hey, don't fucking talk to me." And then he walked away.

Well, there you have it. Some weird/crazy/interesting shit that happened during my time there. As anyone who has been there can tell you, that is just the tip of the iceberg. There are lots of famous, big name musicians who are there, tons of half naked models, weirdos dressed up, and tons of musicians who were popular for like 3 months in the late 80s' and early 90s'. In short, it's a good god damn time. Tons of shows and some booths (Alfred) give away free beer. Party on Wayne.

Second Hand News (Like the Song)

Well, nothing super new to talk about here, so I'm gonna do a short run down of my favorite awkward embarrassing stories. Stories that didn't happen to me though. These are second hand stories from the people who saw them, apart of it somehow, or they happened to them.

1) A buddy of mine in a class told me this when we were riding our bikes home from said class. I told him how I hate when dick SF drivers nearly hit you on the road (if you ride your bike on the sidewalk and the cops see you, it's a $170 ticket!). He says "...don't give them the finger. People are used to that, give them the thumbs down. I gave a guy the thumbs down once, he rolled down his window and yelled "DID YOU JUST FUCKING GIVE ME THE THUMBS DOWN?!?!?!" So give people the thumbs down.

2) In a drawing class I had, the teacher was doing a demo and all of a sudden a friend of mine starts laughing out loud. After the demo I ask her why she was laughing. She told me she forgot for a second where she was because she got a text from her mom telling her about a cousin of hers. She then relayed the story to me as follows, "...my mom texted me to say that my cousin had to have surgery because he somehow sliced his nut sack open riding his bike. Somehow his shorts got snagged in the chain and it tore his nut sack open. And his mom posted it all over Facebook. This isn't the first time this happened either. A few years ago he was sitting on a lawn chair, somehow one of his balls fell between the rubber bands of the chair. My other cousins picked up the chair with him on it and threw it in the pool. After a while he didn't come up and they realized he was stuck. They then had to dive into the pool and grab the whole chair with him on it and give some super scissors to cut the rubber to free him."

3) In high school my friend Ray went to some stupid party. He came out to his car and said he saw a bag hanging from his rear view mirror. He slowly got in and saw the bag, within seconds a smell was filling his nostrils; he touched the bag and it hit him. It was shit. Not just any shit, it was people shit. He never knew who did it. A few years later, another friend asked me if I had heard about that incident. I said yes, then he asked if I knew who did it. I said no, and he proceeded to tell me who did it. I laughed my ass off and forgot about it. A few months later I was hanging out with Ray and that story came up. He still never knew who did it. I said I knew who it was, I told him and he got super pissed reliving that event. He finally put faces (it was two entitled asses) to the feces. (zing!)

So yeah, there's some funny(ish) second hand stories. Until next time. 

Going Deep...Again

Some strange things have occurred as of late. By this I am referring to my artistic pursuits. For as long as I had been making art (a good chunk of my life), I had been pooped on by various instructors and developed a pretty good sized inferiority complex regarding my work, themes, and general abilities. Not that I have over come all of that stuff, even though it's easy to say "hey get over it". BUT a few months ago, I passed with flying colors my Midpoint Presentation; which is me pitching my thesis to a panel of instructors. Then I entered a shit ton of prints and one of my books into the spring show. None of my prints got in and I was super bummed (only like 3 people got a total of 8 pieces in which was fucked up if you ask me), but my book got in! Not only did it get in, but I won my category and got a nice prize for it as well.

Fast forward about 1 month later...

I display my work on a ton of internet sites, some you can buy reproductions others the originals (if anyone who reads this is interested feel free to inquire!) Well, low and behold I am at work and I get a notification that someone bought one of my pieces as a greeting card. That blew my god damn mind! Granted I got like no money from it, but still. A few weeks later, I get a notification that someone was (and might still be) interested in acquiring some of my work. That was awesome as well.
The most recent event occurred when I again signed up for some site to display my work. I had to have my work/profile approved and I hadn't heard back for a few days. Out of the blue I get a phone call from the woman (who was super cool) runs the organization; she tells me how much she loves my work and offers me to be in a show. That again, was super awesome!
I could be jinxing myself here, but to me it feels like I have turned a corner almost. I'm getting respect from peers, and those above me regarding my work. It's a great feeling and it makes me want to bigger and better pieces; prints and books.

P.S. This is like the one time a year I go serious and deep with this blog. For reals, cause this is One Terrible Blog after all.

Stay tuned for more terribleness...