A Different Kind of Circus

As it's January, and it's also that time of the year where musicians from all over the world get together in Los Angeles for the winter N.A.M.M. (National Association of Music Merchants) show; I figured that I would briefly run down the craziness that I was fortunate enough to experience in 2009 when I went. So this not really going to necessarily flow from thing to thing, it'll just be things I saw and experienced. Some will be short one liners, others a bit lengthier.

Without further a due, here we go!!!

*I went to this sweet ass Yamaha party and proceeded to get food poisoning from some bad queso while getting super drunk off of free beer. They next morning we were was supposed to attend an awards banquet for the company I worked for; it was an award for staying in business for 100 consecutive years. Needless to say, I didn't make it. And this was like the second day of the week and a half long trip.

*At the conference I was cut off by Dave Mustaine, twice. Literally. Like he walked right in front of me and I had to stop in my tracks or I would have run into him.

*From across the room, I saw Steve Vai marching across the hall. I say marching because that is one lanky bastard and he was leaving all of his assistants in the dust by about 20 steps.

*John Dolmayan, the drummer from System of a Down, was wondering around like a lost child.

*One day I was leaving and Tony Levin was walking in, looking like some sort of androgynous gunslinger. Parting the seas of people with his bass. And mustache.

*I went off exploring, which is super fun to do there, and saw Jordan Rudess from Dream Theater playing piano to exactly 3 people.

*While wondering around, I found the booth where Michael Anthony was signing at. I got his autograph by inadvertently cutting in front of about 200 people. Oops.

*Oh yeah, and I found a giant ass rave room. Fucking crazy.

*I found Mike Inez from Alice In Chains who was super cool and super drunk (it was like 11AM); talked to him and he signed some autographs for me. And managed to spell my name wrong, even though we were all wearing name tags.

*During one of the days, I found a booth/table where Alex Skolnick and Alexi Lahio were signing. Everyone seemed to be bypassing Skolnick to meet Lahio who was acting like a tool. I was way way more excited to meet Skolnick for the second time and during the whole conversation I had with him, Lahio looked borderline annoyed I wasn't excited to see him. Douche.

*There are like 3-4 levels at this convention. In the basement they have every shit knock off version of instruments that you could imagine by small companies from even smaller countries. It was on this floor that I saw Brooke White; who was on a season of American Idol. She looked so bummed that some sponsor stuck her in the basement.

*This was also the trip that launched the legendary What's That Smell? series I started to write.

*When I was in a meeting with some folks from Randall, I looked off to the side and saw Tommy Shaw from Styx. Styx hasn't been popular since 1983. Tommy Shaw hasn't been popular since 1991. Yet he had a fleet of people with him doing shit for him. And he is short.

*While I was there, I learned a few things. One is that when the famous/well known musicians are out and about, they like to just check shit out without being bugged. They do this by turning over their badges so you can't see their names. One guy I saw who did this was Cris Caffery, of TSO and Savatage fame. He could tell I knew who he was yet shot me a look with his eyes that said "Hey, don't fucking talk to me." And then he walked away.

Well, there you have it. Some weird/crazy/interesting shit that happened during my time there. As anyone who has been there can tell you, that is just the tip of the iceberg. There are lots of famous, big name musicians who are there, tons of half naked models, weirdos dressed up, and tons of musicians who were popular for like 3 months in the late 80s' and early 90s'. In short, it's a good god damn time. Tons of shows and some booths (Alfred) give away free beer. Party on Wayne.

Pretentious Much?

 I am going to start by saying, that I like Lamb of God. They are a good metal band. Solid players and they write some good ass tunes. Recently though, I found out that Randy Blythe has an Instagram account. Now, I do follow him; he takes some interesting photographs, but I must say that in a lot of instances the guy comes of a bit pretentious. Case in point the photos to your right. Now here we have Mr. Blythe sitting on a couch in a black and white photo. Looks fine, but then you read the ridiculous bullshit that he writes. I get that he misses his friend, but the fact that he staged this makes it super lame. Without the incredibly stupid and over the top artsy fartsy caption, this would have made the photo much better. Together, this just kinda stinks of a musician trying to be a jack of all trades.

Now there isn't anything wrong with someone exploring their creative side, but the way that he did this (and other photos on his Instagram) makes him come off as high and mighty. For a while, he was putting down people who use Photoshop and the camera on their iPhone's and constantly telling us the fancy ass cameras he uses; but recently he has come to a startling realization. YOU DON'T NEED A FANCY CAMERA. You can literally take a disposable camera and get a great shot. A lot of it comes down to art direction. That and not telling the viewer everything that you did to get the shot. Especially because it makes you seem like a pompous ass, who thinks they know about art.

I Ran Out of Toilet Paper

One of my favorite things to do, is listen to or read interviews with musicians or actors regarding either an album or film they made in the past. Like say 10 or so years in the past. With the advent of Youtube, this is SUPER easy...and I guess the rest of the internet as well.
Why do I like this? Because it's super funny and they almost always look like a jackass BECAUSE whatever the title of said album/movie is, they always try to put the theme of the project into some sort of life (style) philosophy. Here's a made up example:

Interviewer: What does your album I Ran Out of Toilet Paper mean to you?
Musician: That's an excellent question. What it means it that we as a society can't stop wasting resources.     It's a lifestyle we live. We can't stop. There is only so much toilet paper left in the world. There is almost no 3 ply left in the world. It's sad. That's what the title track means.
Interviewer: Interesting...

Again, totally made up but not unheard of. Don't believe me? Try finding something online. It's funny, I promise.