Books from My Childhood Part II

...and now, for another exciting installment in this thing I wrote a few weeks ago...part II!

Boogity Boo you little bastard!

So in the first installment of Books From My Childhood, I looked at the Boxcar Children and all the messed up things in that train car of crazy. Now, I'll examine one set of books I LOVED as a kid, until they got ridiculously stupid; Goosebumps.

First off, my very first one that I got was Say Cheese and Die, scared the shit out of me. Actually all the early ones did. Maybe R.L. Stein was like a kids version of Stephen King? But those books scared the shit out of me. I mean who would write stuff like that for a kid? Books about cameras that will show your death, parents who turn into crazy plant scientists, dummy's that come to life in the middle of the god damn night, or Halloween masks that become part of your face?! Seriously what the shit? Probably what was more messed up was the fact that I was in a stupid competition with kids in my class to see who could read as many of this child sized versions of It as fast as they could without getting admitting how much of a puss you were. Another messed up one was the classic Attack of the Mutant. That god damn book made me not want to read comics, for fear of becoming made of ink.
 But then all of a sudden something happened with this books, they jumped the shark (that would have been a crazy one!). Every kid in Murrica started to read them, they became super popular to the point where one was coming out like every month! They started making "chose your own adventure" books. But probably the most damning thing was that TV show. It took the scare right out because of the shitty acting and props. I guess they were going for a children's version of Tales From the Crypt (good idea?). I guess as these things became more popular R.L. Stein started to make them less scary to rake in the dough. I mean seriously, how many Night of the Living Dummy's did he write? 15? 59?
Looking back on those books now, it makes you wonder; "why did my parents let me read this shit?".

Book Series from My Childhood Part I

So I've decided that I'm going to analyze (in my highly accredited art student opinion of course) some of the book series that I grew up around. A few I read and some I didn't, but my two sisters did. These are of course meant to be cheeky and sarcastic, so don't get all bent out of shape on this.


The first series that I'm going to talk about is The Boxcar Children. Seriously, a bunch of kids living in a goddamn abandoned train car?!?!?! First off, how they hell are these kids able to just live there? I mean you obviously have to worry about food. Do they eat trash? Are they thieves? Do they do certain things for in exchange for some Taco Bell?
Then there is the whole um...sanitary issue. Kids in general are smelly and sticky, and these little bastards live in an abandoned train car. Where are you gonna take a shower, or bath if you're not a shower man (or woman)? What about washing your clothes? I mean sure in a pinch you can wear the same thing for a few days before it gets gross, stained, and smelly. And probably the big one: where do you take a shit? Not sure I need to elaborate any further on that one....
Next up is their home/office/abandoned train car. I assume that it's in the middle of fucking nowhere since no adults ever notice a handful of unsupervised stinky children eating and shitting by a railroad car. The thing has heavy ass doors. I mean yeah, in the summer you want that breeze to remove the smell of that heroin addict who O.D.ed on the way from Denver to Chicago in 1997 and remove the smell of hobo love; BUT come winter time you're gonna want those doors shut and guess what? Those damn things are HEAVY. People die getting stuck in there and you live in an abandoned one? In the middle of nowhere?
This leads me to my next point. What do they do about medical care? I mean it's a rusty old train car, chances are one of them is going to need a Tetanus shot...unless they like living with lock jaw. I mean is one of those kids Doogie Hower M.D.?
I think though, the strangest thing about this is the fact that these kids solve mysteries. God damn mysteries. How is it that these kids can solve a triple homicide or a break in at a shopping center, but none of these cops or just adults ask these kids: a) what are you doing here? b) where are your parents? c) where do you live? d) why do you look and smell like shit wrapped in lint? or e) how do you little bastards keep getting involved with these things? I'm calling Social Services. But no, no one takes the initiative.
For reals, this shit is kinda messed up and perplexing. Kids living in an old boxcar going around solving crimes and not getting hassled about where they live or not having any sort of adult supervision. That's America for you.