Oh Canada

Canada sucks. I'm sorry but that's the truth, it has nothing to do with racism or any other type of ism, the fact of the matter is that that nation is filled with the dumbest people per square mile. What makes me qualified to say that you may ask? Well, living in North Dakota for a little over a dozen years and taking a 4 day trip up to America's hat qualifies me. For the longest time, I thought that only people in my (former) neck of the woods understood what makes these people so dumb, then when I was in middle school a little show called South Park came along and hit the nail right on the head. Also upon my last two trips back home it really hit me how dumb these people are. So what I decided I would do is list some of my "favorite" run ins with the few, the proud, the Canadian; in no particular order also. These close encounters take place everywhere from my day to day life, at work, on the phone, and even a fireworks store!

*Christmas 2008: This Canadian lady calls my work, I answer the phone and she asks if we carry a specific guitar pedal (I worked at a music store). I said yes and that it was about $350. She then asks if I could sell it to her for only $300. My manager agrees since it was a dog (an older product that hasn't been selling and just sits on the shelf). She gives me her credit card information and I ring it up for her, she then asks if someone at the store would be able to deliver it to her at her hotel. I told her that I would be able to since I was leaving the store in a bit and headed in the direction of her hotel. I drop it off, end of story right? Nope. I get to work the next day and what do I see? Yep, the pedal. Instantly I ask "What the hell is that doing back here?" My manager tells me that the lady returned it because she got a better deal on it from our cross town rivals. How much of a better deal you might ask? $10.

*Summer 2005: My friend Ray and I are at this fireworks outlet mall called Generous Jerry's (rip off!). We are minding our own business looking at explosives to buy. Then all of a sudden some Canadian guy walks past me and calls me a fag. We were both perplexed and then I looked down and realized that I was wearing my t-shirt that said INVADE CANADA! Harsh reaction, no?

*Fall 2007: Again, I was working at the music store, when these shenanigans happen. A guy decked from head to toe in a Canadian Tuxedo comes in, he asks me if we carried a particular microphone. I say no and he says okay. He then went into the bathroom and I thought that was it. Two minutes later; a guy calls and asks me the same exact question in the same way. Again I say no, then a few seconds later Super Canuck rolls out of the bathroom and is putting his phone away. Coincidence, I think not.

*Spring 2008: This is a shorty but a goodie. Mandi and I were on the way home from a dinner at my moms house when we come up to a red light. The only other car belongs to a dirty Canadian and he stops before the railroad tracks when there is clearly another spot after that. So I did what any normal person would do and I cut him off and got that spot. Stupid Canadian.

*Fall 2006: This one is a little different. A friend of mine at UND was Canadian and he was cool enough to let us rip on Canada to his face (for the most part); well, we were in a figure drawing class and  the jokes were flowing pretty good and he started to make some as well. Eventually this old bitch that most of didn't like chimed in and here was the conversation.

          Brandon: It's exciting, we just got guns up in Canada.
          Deb (old bitch): Really? You just got guns?
          Brandon: Yep, it's pretty cool.
          Deb: Well what's it like?
          Brandon: I don't know, we haven't got the bullets yet.
          Deb: Wow, really?

Normally I would say something about how dumb a Canadian is but, man that old bitch was dumb. I mean who falls for that shit? Jesus H man.

*Summer 2010: I'm at home hanging out with my mom and we had just come from Petco. We are driving down 32nd Avenue when something catches my eye. What is it you may ask? Well it was a Canadian PARKED in the middle of one of those little turn lanes to get into a restaurant. And what was he doing? Eating. That's right eating, essentially in the middle of a busy road.

These are just some my more notable run ins with the residents of America's hat aka America Jr. aka Canada. There are also all the incidents were they would just come down for the weekend and park their campers in some store's parking lot instead of checking into a hotel or camp ground or how they just sound boarder line retarded.